not skywalker

my name is anika. a-nick-a. not a-neek-a ... and yes, people HAVE told me before that it's like annikin skywalker. but i'm not.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

A House Is Not A Home ...

... But it was going to be. To me.
I imagined redecorating that house until it was 'us.' I imagined Christmases and Easters and dinner parties and kids' sleepovers. I imagined having more children there. I imagined doing laundry there and waking up there and coming home to that house everyday. I imagined cooking and gardening and cleaning. I imagined Christmas morning. In our home.

But it turned out that somebody else gets to have those things. And not even just in their imagination. In reality.

I feel cheated out. Lost. And I wonder if there's a plan in my life, or only chaos. I just am seeming to bounce around with no destination, and every time a dream seems close to reality, the bubble bursts and I am left with nothing. Like Cinderella, her gown torn to shreds moments before she was to get to go to the ball.

I wonder if God has a plan. Or if this is His plan. And I wonder if we will get to have at least something, some crumbs from the table of the feast, perhaps.

I feel so disappointed. It was going to be our home.


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