Letter To My Next Door Neighbors ...

Dear neighbor*,

Instead of beginning this letter with a bunch of niceties, I'm going to get straight to the truth: I don't like you a single bit. You are loud and horrible. I don't want to hear how many 'brewskis' you've had at any given moment. I don't want to know the story of how your night went when you went home with 'two hot chicks from the bar.' I don't care to know when you are hungover, either (although this usually means you will be quieter than usual).

It must be nice to be all grown up and to have friends over to party every weekend. You're the first out of all of them to move out of mommy and daddy's house, aren't you? At least that's what I suspect, especially since I heard your little friend yelled "I got my mom to make an appetizer to bring over" ... Classy.

Hey neighbor, remember that night a couple weeks ago? The one when the cops came by at 4am? I know that probably doesn't narrow it down much, but the really really loud night? Still no? Ok, the one when you were fighting with your brother because you slept with your brother's girlfriend? Yes, now you probably have a recollection ... The yelling, the smashing, the screaming ... And when we called the police they said they had already talked to the girl from your place and were on their way. We watched the whole thing and I have to say that it was kind of entertaining.

So I have a request -- if you could have more funny nights like that and less plain old parties, we'd be a little happier to have neighbors like you -- ones that contribute to society and make the world a better place.

Love, Anika

P.S. That was an awfully big piece of drywall you were carrying into your place the next day. Remodelling already?


*Specifically to the guy with the reeeeally loud and obnoxious voice because I don't know how many of the other ones actually reside in your home