not skywalker

my name is anika. a-nick-a. not a-neek-a ... and yes, people HAVE told me before that it's like annikin skywalker. but i'm not.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Read Disclaimer First ...

disclaimer: Some people will read this and think "fecking get over it already" ... Think whatever you want; This space is for my thoughts and I know that I'm not a blame-everything-on-my-parents kind of girl ...

Well? It's Fathers Day coming up. I could (and will) laugh about celebrating Sperm Donor Awareness and how shucks, it's my absolute favorite day of the year.
But truthfully? Truthfully I fucking hate it.
I hate it because Jacob has a father that ditched out on him. And I hate it because I have a father who also decided that other things were are more important than his family. And he's continued to be selfish and put everything before his daughters since. I can't speak for my sister, but I can say that I feel a void; I feel like an orphan.
And it sucks.
And it's always present.
Maybe it had an effect on all my relationships from there on in.
Maybe it didn't.
The thing is, I was recently abandoned in a relationship I thought was going to last. It made me think (as it did the first time) that maybe the reason I was left was because of something I did -- I didn't set the table right, I didn't go to sleep right at bedtime, I left my toys out in the playroom, I didn't make my bed ... I didn't do enough thoughtful things, I didn't talk to his family enough, I didn't send enough nice text messages, I wasn't thin enough ...
Was it me?
Is it me?
Is there something about me that makes me not quite worthy of love?
Why am I not good enough?
These things plague me especially on Fathers Day. And moreso this year because it is a fresh wound.

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