The Spider that Thought I Was a Chicken

This morning when I got to my office I was the only one here. When I went to my computer something caught my eye up in the corner. I looked up to see a horrible big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spider. Let me tell ya, I almost peed my pants on the spot, but then something happened: we made eye contact. He was saying to me "haha I know you're too scared to kill me and you're just going to sit at your desk and hyperventilate all day knowing I'm here and I might be a tarantula and jump off the wall onto your face and bite you and kill you and make a scary screeching sound at the same time, biotch!"

I had no choice.

I moved everything of value to me away from my desk (this included my cup of coffee -- imagine the horror of a spider in my coffee!) and grabbed my shoe and stood up on my unsteady swively chair and took a deep breath. In one motion I screamed (I was still the only one here) and hit him with my shoe, almost falling off the chair to my death with a spider attached to my face.

He died. I courageously 'wiped' his remains off the wall (well, the ones that came off easily) with an empty envelope and flushed him, hyperventilating and not taking my eyes off his remains, lest he come to life (do spiders, like cats, have 9 lives? We may never know) and jump off the envelope onto my face and bite me and kill me and make a scary screeching sound at the same time.

Take that, spider! And let the remains that didn't come easily off the wall be a warning to the rest of you big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spiders!