I Love This Girl ...

Awhile ago, Ant interviewed me. It was one of the best days of my life. And since today has been a shit day so far, I'm trying to improve the world by interviewing Shari. Here it is, folks. Uncut and candid ...

Shari. First-of-all-oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-flattered-that-you-would-even-consider-responding-to-my-email!
Um, yeah, it's because you filled up my entire inbox. I had to do something about it.

Right. Well. Moving right along. I read on your blog that you like to do science experiments. Tell me, do you ever do experiments on your children?
My children ARE the experiment. *sly chuckle*

So how do these experiments turn out?
It's not about the end result really, it's all about the process. You know, it doesn't really matter if the rabbit gets a horrible rash on its bunny behind. What matters is how exactly you hold the rabbit down to shave the hair off it's behind. That's the joy of science, right there.

Will you do an experiment on me?
No.

Do your girls do experiments on you?
Yes. They are currently in the middle of the "How long will it take to make Mom's head blow off by acting as if we really earnestly want to be cheerleaders later in life." That one should be over soon and they will jump right into the next torture session - I mean science experiment.

I have seen gruesome pictures of the drowned barbie incident. Did you or your daughters get counseling to help you recover from this tragedy? Do you have any leads as to who may have done this dreadful deed?
I don't like to talk about that day. But let me just say that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is nothing to sneeze at.
As for a suspect, I think George Bush was behind it. Or the red-headed Barbie that looks like she is in full-stride, running from the scene. Or the mermaid. Really, she was probably still alive, just playing dead. I shudder to think of the devastation of that day. Would you consider taking my case pro bono?

I AM pro Bono. He's hot.
Erm, ok. Right.

Your name, Shari, rhymes with 'berry,' 'merry' and 'fairy.' Which one of the three most accurately describes you? How do you feel about this?
I actually think that "very" describes me most accurately. I don't know if Canada has Keri Lotion.

Yes it does.
I don't care. Anyways the "Keri is so very...." commercials? Jamie Norris, my best friend's little brother used to stare at me with one eyebrow in the air and drawl, "Shari is soooo very...." And you know what? He was right. I am so very.
BUT ... if I had to choose one of the actual choices ... I would have to go with "fairy". They are beautiful and thin and charming and they are always standing daintily on their perfect and tiny bare feet and they are so wonderful that most people don't even believe they exist. The similarities there are almost scary.

Your blog is entitled "if swallowed, induce vomiting." How did you come up with this name and in what way does it apply to your life?
I decided years ago that I needed to start writing my autobiography. I have some funny and unbelievable things that have happened to me and these things should be written down. I also believed that there was so much that just the first 15 or 20 years of my life was enough for one or two books. So, I decided on the "Encyclopedia Brittanica" genre for my autobiography. The thought was, when I died, an entire industry could revolve around entrepreneurial souls willing to travel the country and selling the full 20 volume set of my life.

This in no way answers your question, does it? Let's try again.
You know when someone is gullible and you say, "They will swallow anything?" in reference to their innocence and trust? Well, if you're like that you need to prepare to purge that innocence after reading my blog. Stop being so damn gullible and embrace the lies and cynicism of the real world. (I so try to be all hard-core like this, but usually fail miserably.)
No, that's not really it either.
Let's try again. I don't know exactly. But I liked the sound of it.

Me too. Now ... A few short questions:
What is your favorite color?
Puce or orange, one of those.

What is your favorite food?
Almonds or rare steak or Idaho Spud candy bars.

What is your favorite animal?
The Jerk of All Trades, oh and chinchillas. I like chinchillas.

I always thought chinchillas were insects. Interesting ... What makes you laugh so hard your drink comes out of your nose?
So many things. Laughter is just hard wired in me. I laugh when I talk, I laugh when I cry. I laugh at funerals and in scary situations. Some say it is a defense mechanism. That could be true. It's a good one, though.

It sure is ... So um, Shari? Forgive me, I'm a little nervous here ... Wanna be bff's?
No.

Ok. Friends forever?
No.

Acquaintances?
Um. Sure. You live far enough away that'll suffice.

Excellent! Thanks for your time Shari ... Shari? ... Hm. She's gone.