The Aftershocks ...

A mile from here I made a hole
That's where I buried your love
Left it there under the earth
And I swear I'll never return
(~Au4)

***

I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed that I kept nurturing and watering the soil long after he had removed the seeds.

***

I told Jacob that he can still be friends with Shawn. Jacob said no because Shawn made me cry. And if I'm not friends with Shawn then he doesn't want to be either.

***

Janie, the eternal optimist, is convinced that Shawn still loves me, but there's a missing piece -- it doesn't make sense, all of it. Everything that I thought was right is left, and everything I thought left is right. Nothing is what I thought it was. I am disoriented. I don't know who he is anymore. I cannot believe that he loves me after he treated me and my son like this. You don't just make promises and then walk away. Especially not to a kid.

Firefighter Jen thinks that he just doesn't know how to have a relationship. He did, after all, only have one relationship in his past that lasted more than 2 months. She thinks he just doesn't want to grow up. She said he's a chicken shit. Well ... He is 33 and lives with his parents ... The people he's friends with are kind of stuck in the glory days of their teenage years -- all single, all need to party all the time. I guess I didn't fit in.

Phil thinks that Shawn pursued me for a year so that he could break my heart and get me back for hurting him. This is not what I know of Shawn. But like I said, I don't know who he even is anymore.

I don't know what I think. My foundations have crumbled. Things that I believed to be true, aren't. Things that I never thought could happen, have. I can't eat because I'll be sick. I can't sleep even if I take Gravol. I just hurt.