Hunting ...

Today's Guest Blogger is Britton.* But you can call him b-low.

This is a very serious story about this one time I went hunting.

It started on a friday. Or was it a thursday? I'm not exactly sure. Some of the details are somewhat blurry, so I'll try my best and fill in details with lies and extreme exaggerations.

So we left on our trip to go hunting somewhere up north. After 62 straight hours of driving we finally arrived and the deer and moose were everywhere. There actually was no need to hunt because you could basically say "here moosey moosey", and they'd come running. So we decided to go for more of a challenge and drove about 163 kms west of this spot and set up camp. There were no animals anywhere near, except for the neighbouring beavers that had set up camp basically 4 feet away from us. They were pretty friendly though. They caused us no problems at all ... yet.

So I woke up the next morning first, or third, doesn't matter. I made breakfast for everyone, cause I'm pretty much the best cook ever ... (sidenote) I can make chocolate chip cookies with nothing but tree bark and 3 stray dog hairs. They don't taste that great, but hey, they're chocolate chip cookies, you can't complain.

Back to the story, I made breakfast and everyone ate, and then we decided to head out hunting. We broke into 2 groups and were off. With my J827 Oozie and my 277 rifle (those are guns) I was off. After 2.75 hours I saw something in the distance ...

A black bear?
A black moose?
or elk?
or pigeon?
Something.

So I shot it.

As I walked towards it, it stood up and started running towards me. I quickly brought out my gun again and shot it in the face.

Turns out, it was a buddy of mine, Peter, that I had gone hunting with. I apologized and headed back to camp.

So at dinner someone asked me about my day and I told them all about it.

Peter never did make it back to camp. Pansie.

I'll save the beaver story for another time. But I will say it has to do with a Beaver and a missing limb. A leg. The Beaver ate it. It wasn't my leg though. Whose was it? Jack's. It was Jack's leg. He was sleeping at the time, don't worry.

I'll save it for another time.


*he doesn't even know it and that makes it funnier

A Lot Of Information In One Post ...

We painted our living room. And if that isn't an alluring first sentence of a blog entry, I don't know what is. Perhaps 'I had a dream last night' or 'sometimes I don't separate my lights and darks when I do laundry' ... But I digress. Our living room is greyish bluish greenish and I LOVE IT. I don't think most people will like it but who cares because they don't have to live here and I do.

Also? By 'we' I mean 'I helped, but it was really mostly Jason and I pointed out the missed spots, which I'm sure was both endearing and cute to him.'

I also sent out Christmas cards the other day. It was just too much to wait till December. So if you don't get one, we either don't have your address or we don't like you. Or both.

And perhaps the biggest news of the day (besides 'once I cut pizza slices with scissors instead of a knife') is that I told my Sperm Donor not to call me -- I'll call him. And that felt pretty ding-dang good. Because I have had ENOUGH!

FREEDOM!*

*that was either sung like the George Michael song or yelled like in Braveheart. To me, it was more like the George Michael song.

Relationships at Age Ten ...

So Jacob and I had a heart to heart tonight. I love our little talks. The subject was: GIRLS.

Jacob had a girlfriend at school last year named Jessica. She broke his heart a few times over the two year duration he was there. The last time she broke up with him, he told me, he wasn't upset.
"Why?" I asked.
"Well because I knew I was going to a new school and I'd find other girls to like."

I asked him how she broke up with him -- through a friend, in a note ...
"She just said 'I don't have the guts to tell ya I like someone else' ... And I asked my friend who still goes to that school and she still has that same boyfriend."
"Does that make you upset?" I wondered.
"Nope," Jake said.
"Why, is there a new girl you like?"
"I haven't noticed girls that much this year, I'm too busy playing Blind Tag," Jacob explained, "But there's about ten that like me."
"Ten?! ... How do you know they like you?"
"Girls can get kinda crazy when they like you," Jacob replied.

On August 7, 2006 ...

... Jason and I were still dating. And had been dating for less than a month. And I remember this moment. He wrote:

"In January I bought a ticket to Wales, expecting an adventure and a good time. What I didn't expect was six months later meeting the the love of my life, she is the most amazing, wonderful girl I have ever met she makes every second that I spend with her my new best second. I am so sure of this girl that I knew when my flight was to leave that I would be making a mistake, I never want to be away from her ever, even thinking of her not being with me for a second makes me sick. I can go to Wales or I can be with the greatest love in my life, mmmmm easy choice, one I will never ever regret."


And I wrote:

"I am a little bit speechless, which is hard to believe. He decided last night, in the middle of the night, less than 24 hours before I was going to drive him to the airport that he was not going on his trip to Europe. He said he couldn't leave me (I'm not even making this up). His plane ticket was non-refundable and he should have been in the air at 8pm tonight. I tried to convince him that he should go -- what an amazing experience and adventure and wow, but he wouldn't have it. He loves me, Imaginary Internet Friends. I have no idea why exactly he is so crazy about me, but he just is. And I lo-ove him."


What a great beginning ...

My House Practically Burned Down This Morning* ...

I like the word 'practically' because you can use it to make grandiose exaggerations and it makes everything ok ...

Also, Sucky McShitterson is my favorite name for a fish. I miss that little guy.**





*I burnt a piece of toast
**I actually don't miss him at all because I don't even like fish. I was just trying to sound nostalgic.

No Gray* Area ...

Awhile ago my good friend Kenny Rogers made this list of things to be her friend. And I like this list a lot. I also like her a lot:

1. You have to support the players club and not mind that I am the President
2. You have to be funny--or at least appreciate funny things and think I'm funny
3. You have to fall in public on purpose at least 10 times
4. You have to say things like "fat-sack-o-fat" etc.
5. You have to not say that I have man hands even though that has been allowed once
6. You have to be cute/pretty--no offense
7. You have to think I'm cute/pretty
8. You have to like pretty much all of the same movies I do and enjoy watching them more than once (eg. Love Actually, Where the Heart Is, Garden State, Peter Pan ... And also things like Flight of the Concords and Arrested Development)
9. You have to think sleepovers are the funnest things ever
10.You have to have a distinct appreciation for both make up and hair dye
11. You have to like beer and wine and vodka ...
12. You have to be able to say you've smoked a cigar more than once, not puked and wanted to do it again
13. You have to not say that my toy poodle looks like a rat (even if she does, she's 17 years old and I still love her and she's sometimes really cute). But you can yell at her sometimes.
14. You have to be able to be both quiet and loud and both at the right times
15. You have to laugh at inappropriate times and do inappropriate things to make me laugh
16. You have to like going to movies
17. You have to like dogs, but not think all dogs are equally cute and on that note, you shouldn't ohhh and ahhhh over all babies and you should know that some babies are ugly and all crying babies are annoying
18. You have to like getting dirty on occasion
19. You have to like going to the beach day or night
20. You have to have an equally deep appreciation for both 7-11 and Starbucks
21. I would prefer that you know self defense but if you don't I would be willing to teach you out of my plethora of knowledge on that subject
22. You have to not bring up the fact that I only got a C in self defense
23. You can't say that I wouldn't be able to beat you up -- that hurts my feelings
24. You can't be too nice but I would like it if you would pretend to be too nice just to make me laugh
25. You have to be mad at the same people I get mad at
26. I would appreciate it if you don't often tell me what to do -- that a good way to be cut from this team
27. You have to let me rant and rave about being single every so often because really I don't do it very often and when I do, I don't want to hear that "there's someone out there for you" and "maybe you should get out more"
28. You have to like being outside but not think you're so great because of it
29. You can't be too granola -- seriously ... I mean, come on ... People who start boycotting Starbucks and think they're so great and think I should hike more -- they're not my type
30. You have to talk about working out and sometimes work out but be willing to stay home and watch a movie instead
31. You have to understand that a good motivation for working out is new work out clothes
32. You can't think I have too many shoes or jackets
33. You shouldn't lecture me on either environmentalism, the third world or poor people
34. You shouldn't think that you should eat everything on your plate because some people can't afford to eat at all
35. You should care about the world
36. You should be motivated, have ambition etc. ... But in the end be as immature as I am
37. I like good car dancers (and Anika's the best of all) but probably wouldn't make that a rigid qualification since I'm not a good car dancer
38. You should like the same kinds of music I like and introduce me to new and wonderful music 39. You shouldn't like the movie Shrek or if you do, you shouldn't think I'll like it. And don't quote it -- that's dumb.
40. You shouldn't let your house get so dirty that it smells like garbage
41. You shouldn't go for more than 3 days without showering
42. You shouldn't think its a good idea to go as long as you can without showering (I think I was temporarily insane when my boyfriend did that to win a bet and it didn't bother me)
43. You can be Christians but not the crazy kind
44. You have to be able to make fun of Christians on occasion
45. You shouldn't be offended when I say either "bugger" or "bloody hell" because those are 2 of my favorite expressions
46. You have to think IKEA is a good date spot
47. You can't think that grocery shopping (especially at either Save-On or Superstore--both places I hate going to) is a good date spot
48. You have to be willing to at least talk about driving to Disneyland today -- and I mean now
49. You can't care that I've been all over the world
50. You should appreciate the joke -- well half-joke -- that "we're the best, funniest, most talented, smartest, etc. people in the world"
P.S. You must think the penis game is extremely funny and celebrate March 14 annually

* I spelled 'gray' like that instead of 'grey' because Grey's Anatomy is the most boring show every in the history of the Earth.

Fire Engine Red ...

I was painting my toenails red yesterday and it inspired me to paint my kitchen red. So the next question is, which one:
California Poppy
Poinsetta
Daredevil
Frosted Pomegranate
or Red Tomato?


****


Yesterday Jacob got home from school and rushed in to thank me for bringing him McDonald's at lunch time because he'd forgotten his lunch ... I didn't bring him McDonald's at lunch time. In fact, being the ever-observant mom that I am, I didn't even realize his lunch bag sitting on the floor where he usually puts his bag.
So when the secretary called a Jacob down to the office my kiddo went. And he unknowingly ate somebody else's lunch. As for the real Jacob? That poor kid is a sucka ...



****


I know you're not supposed to diagnose other people if you aren't a trained professional. But I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology and I also work for the government, so I have some training in stuff and I am also professional. That makes me qualified ... And so I'm going to go ahead and diagnose my dad (sperm donor) as being a psychopath. Not a killing one. Just a regular everyday psychopath.

Anyways, what's for lunch?

It's Simply Too Small to be a Peanut Gallery ...

My girlfriend told me this story the other day, about her kids Andrew (6-years-old) and Kami (9-years-old):

Last week, Andrew and Kami were playing outside when Andrew came in the house to complain to his mom that his nose was hurting.
"Did you bump it?" she asked.
"No."
"Were you picking it?"
"No," Andrew replied. He decided that he would live, and went back outside to play.

At dinner, Andrew complained again that his nose was sore, so his mom made him have a shower so that the steam would help clear it out.

Just before bedtime, Kami came to talk to their Mom: "Mom, Andrew has something to tell you, but you have to promise not to get mad," she said.
" ... Okaaaaay." Kami left the room and shortly afterwards, Andrew entered with his head hung low.
"Mom, remember today when you gave us trail mix in the car?"
"Yes."
"Well there was this really big peanut, and I thought it might be a good idea to stick it up my nose," he said.
"But then you decided that it would be a bad idea, right Andrew?"
"No," said Andrew, "then I did it. But I breathed in at the same time, by accident, and then it went up there and I can't get it out."
My girlfriend examined him to see if she could get the peanut out of Andrew's nose, but she couldn't even see it in there.
"Kami, Andrew, go get your jackets on. We're going to have to go to the hospital."

As soon as she said that, Andrew went wailing and running to his room, and Kami tried to stifle a laugh.
When her mom asked her what was up, Kami admitted "I told him that they were going to have to cut off his nose to get it out."

Project Hair

Off and on, Jason and Jacob will begin Project Hair together -- a contest in which they grown their hair out and see who lasts the longest. Last time they did this, Jacob's hair got really long. Long enough that he could flip it around when he turned his head. It was in his eyes and over his ears. And bleached a bit from the sun. He looked like a little Californian boy.

About a month after we moved into our place, Jacob decided that he had had enough and he wanted to cut it all off. So off to the barber shop we went. And he returned with a short normal haircut. We could finally see his face.

Jacob went down the street to see if his friend Andrew could come out to play. Andrew immediately introduced himself: "Hi, my name is Andrew, what's your name?"
"It's Jacob" he replied.
"Oh I have another friend named Jacob! He lives right there!" Andrew said, and pointed to our house.
"That is me," Jacob said, "I just got my hair cut"

That haircut may have been overdue.

So ...

They're planning on doing a sequel to the Sex & The City movie.

And if that doesn't make you excited, I don't know what will.

I really don't.

All The Birds Are Singing Sweetly ...

Today is just a good day because there's Christmas stuff and music playing in the stores and Joel is feeling better (he has a cold AND I thought he swallowed my nose stud, but he didn't ... And that's another story) and Jacob will be coming through the door from school any minute and it's a GORGEOUS day outside and it's only 39 sleeps till my best friend comes to town and I just love my sister and next week it is my two year anniversary with my husband and I have a delicious cup of coffee in front of me and there is a hockey tournament all weekend that we'll be at and I just love hockey and Jason is no longer pretending not to watch 90210 with me (last night he fully fledged watched it) and all the laundry is almost done ...

All of that wrapped up and put into a package = a really great day