Vote For The Girls!

First off, I just want to thank you all in advance for voting me as next Canadian Prime Minister ... At the risk of sounding like I don't at all know what I'm talking about, does anyone know if there's such a thing as Assistant Prime Minister or Vice Minister or anything? Just curious ... And am I allowed to have a kid outside of marriage and still be Prime Minister? ... And do I get an allowance for clothes and stuff? ... I sure hope I don't have to speak fluent French. Merde.

***

You know how when ducks swim they look like they're not moving above the surface but under the water they're paddling like the dickens? That's how my emotional state was yesterday. The hamster that runs on the wheel inside my brain is working very very hard.

Anika for PM ...

So if I put my first and last name in Job Predictor it says that my ideal job is to be the president. Well, the thing is this: I am Canadian. So I am going to be the next Prime Minister!

Whaddaya think?

Big Fat Mystery ...

My camera has been broken since February when I accidentally smashed it on the pavement. Last week I changed the batteries again and tried it and. it. worked!

They mystery of it is that I read the Bible the day before.

I told my friend Krista about my theory that it's God rewarding me for being such a good girl. Krista said 'Anika, you're like me. You probably thought that you tried changing the batteries a million times but really hadn't changed them at all and that's what was wrong with your camera.'

*sigh*

Tree Sap and Other Adventures ...

The tree sap came out of Jacob's hair finally. This after trying nail polish remover, cold cream and then Vaseline to get it out, and then washing his hair 6 times with shampoo and 4 times with dish soap. And then 3 more times with dish soap to make his hair feel un-Vaseline-y.

My mom said he smelled like a wet dog.

Poor little man.

Seven Things ...

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Get married so that I can have a neverending sleepover.
2. Have more children.
3. Go to Europe.
4. Learn how to say "I love you" in more languages.
5. Finish my Psychology degree and maybe get my Masters.
6. Video record my grandparents telling their story of World War II.
7. Have enough money to not have to worry about money.

Seven things I can do:
1. Make my voice sound like Will Farrell doing Harry Carry.
2. Knit (although so far it's just scarfs).
3. Tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue (but it's not sexy, it takes me a minute).
4. Cook yummy things.
5. Express my feelings.
6. Write.
7. Make wonderful and fantastic compilation cd's.

Seven things I can't do:
1. Dance. But I do it anyways.
2. Wakeboard.
3. Stop biting my nails.
4. I'm not so good at asking for help.
5. Cartwheels.
6. Get songs out of my head (I always have SOME song in my head).
7. Be a waitress. I was one for awhile there, but I HATED it. In fact I was fired because I sucked.

Seven things I'm attracted to in the opposite sex:
1. Arms.
2. Eyes.
3. Sense of humor.
4. Patience (I need a guy with patience).
5. Likes to spend money like me.
6. Creative.
7. Chin line.

Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Bono
2. Larry Mullen
3. Gino Odjick (is he even a celebrity?)
4. Zach Braff
5. Mark Wahlberg
6. Tim McGraw
7. Jamie Foxx

The Sitch ...

Last night I had a dream that there was a fire at the house behind ours. Then I went to *ahem* help the firemen and when I went into the house (it wasn't burning down anymore by this time) I realized that there were childhood pictures of my sister and I on the walls. Very creepy, but it just seemed so normal in my dream ...

This morning I raced a guy in a nice grey car. And I won.

I find American money to be very disappointing. You have a whole wad of bills and think 'woohoo I'm rich!' but then it ends up being ones. And they all look the same. Whoot.

How It Is ...

Everybody's all right
Everything is automatic
Everybody's all right
Everything is skin deep

Matthew Good Band

Dear Blue Jetta Driver:

I so won the race this morning. And by the time you passed me the race was totally over.

Green Lights

When my sister and I were little(r) and we went driving with our fam, funny things happened. And by 'funny' I of course mean 'things that make me laugh my head off now, but were kind of annoying back then.'

She used to bark out the window. I think I already told you guys this, but it's just worth mentioning again that she rolled down her window and barked like a dog for the fun of it. When she realized this was a bit embarrassing to me, she'd bark and then duck beneath the car window so that people could only see lil ol' me in the backseat. Cool, Carly, you are so cool.

Another thing she did was this: when we'd be stopped at a red light, Carly would say 'please turn green please turn green please turn green' until the light actually did turn green. And then she would be so proud of her persuasive power over the traffic light.

Carly, sometimes nowadays if I'm waiting at a traffic light for too long I say 'please turn green please turn green please turn green' until it happens.

And I wish you still barked out the window.

This Weekend ...

Was the funnest weekend EVER.

Lessons Learned on My Vacation:

- Carnies are creepy but also useful when they give you tickets to go on more rides

- No matter how many exciting things you have to do on your holiday, sometimes it's kinda nice to sit and do nothing and read a book all day

- Fish tank cleaners are not penis enlargers, even though they may look like it

- Camping can be successful even with no boys to do all the work

- Mimes at a fair that mimic people are not nearly as creepy as clowns

- Chiropractors, although scammers, are indeed quite useful

- A good way to get your friends to stop playing an annoying card game is to cheat like crazy

- Accidentally going into your favorite store is a very good idea because sometimes you find cute shirts for $4.95

- Bees don't like root beer. I made a bee-trap out of a pop bottle and put root beer in it to attract them, but thus far (day 3) I have yet to catch one of those little buggers!

- I don't want to go back to work

I Kind Of Wish ...

that it was snowing outside and kind of sunny too and that I had a snuggly blanket and my favorite snacks (including, but not exclusively those marshmallow-strawberry-five-cent-candies and chocolate) and hot chocolate with marshmallows and my Pride & Prejudice dvds and yoga pants and a t-shirt.

*sigh*

This Could Be Fun:

Anika, Your ideal job is a Mad Scientist.*

*According to Job Predictor

What I Don't Like About PMS:

happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch ...

Yay for being on holidays! I have a week off, guys, very exciting.

I've been on a diet of sorts the last few days. I hate it -- I have been obsessing about food as a result, but cheating like a crazy woman and eating things such as: Tostitos, chips, jelly beans and bacon. *sigh*

The other day I was at the bank and there was a Favio-looking-wearing-a-tie-dyed-shirt guy waiting for the teller and he just kept flexing his biceps and watching his arm as he did this. Interesting.

Speaking of biceps, Jacob was in soccer camp last week and one of the instructors came up to him and said "Hey Jake, I'm from Saskatchewan. There's only four mountains there. 1. 2. 3. 4." and while he said the numbers he flexed his right bicep, left bicep, right tricep and then left tricep.

I got really bad road rage yesterday. But I am continuing my tradition of giving people a thumbs up instead of flipping them the bird. Good girl, Anika.

Yesterday Jane was laughing and she threw back her head and a really evil-sounding laugh came out of her. It sounded like my laugh (except that my laugh of course isn't evil, it's hearty). I'm glad this epidemic is spreading.

Goodbye.

Fantastic News!

Todd Bertuzzi is going to be playing this season.

For those of you who don't follow hockey that much, wonderful little (and by 'little' I mean huge and scary and yikes-I-hope-he-doesn't-ever-hate-my-guts) Todd got severely punished and chastised last season when he hit Steve-Moore-the-crier from behind (after Steve-Moore-the-crier sucker-hit the captain of our team -- what did he expect? A spanking?) and then Steve-Moore-the-crier subsequently got injured and cried and cried.

Dear Todd,
We love you. We know you didn't mean to hurt Steve-Moore-the-crier. I can't wait to see #44 this season.

Dear Steve Moore,
Although you are a crier and a whiner I honestly and sincerely wish you a full recovery.

Handy Dandy Tip:

Don't grocery shop when you're hungry. You might end up with very yummy delicacies like salted pork, chips, mini donuts, jelly beans, walnuts, after dinner mints and chocolate bars. And this would be in addition to the pizza and chicken wings and drinks you bought for dinner.
*cough* Luckily this has never happened to me.

04-05

I want to let out all the feelings that are inside me.
I want to feel nothing.
I want to scream until there is no anger left.
No anger and no scars.
I want to cry until I forget what I am crying about.
I want to go until I don't know where I am.
I want to be alone until I don't feel lonely anymore.
I want to stop moving until I become my surroundings.
I want to rebuild my walls and reinforce them.
I want to blow out the flame of my existence so that I am not living and not dead.

Words I Like:

- motherfucker
- ever-in-the-whole-history-of-the-earth
- pancreas
- farter
- paramecium
- dickens
- Rastafarian
- aweshum! (said with a lisp of course)

Adventures In Massaging ...

ha HA, you thought you were going to be reading about some scandalous rub down or how I accidentally almost broke my friend's back (which I DID NOT!).

It all started when Nikol had a daydream about her future careers should she go blind. A few years ago I went to a massage therapist. He was blind. I admit that I was skeptical about going to some blind guy and having him responsible for the inner-workings of my back muscles. What if he accidentally touched my bum? What if he really wasn't blind but he pretended he was so that he could sneak peeks at people who were naked and lying on the massage table?

I only went to him a few times. It was my first time in massage therapy and it. Was. Amazing. Sometimes I made faces to see if he'd laugh or smile (he didn't). I now imagine that he could sense I was doing that -- isn't it true that the body makes up with other senses what it lacks in one?

One day I went back to him and he told me that this would be my last visit -- he was leaving the profession. I immediately felt sorry for him. Maybe he didn't get enough clients? Maybe no one took him seriously?

I asked why he was leaving -- he was going back to school to get a degree in Social Work.

Spiders Again ...

So I was innocently working today when out of the corner of my eye, something was creepily giving me a death-to-you stare. Little did I know, I was soon going to meet the big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spider's brother.

With a quick scream and minimal hyperventilating, I did what I had to do. I moved my purse so that he could not follow me home and terrorize me more than he already had and grabbed my trusty flip flop. He stared up at me and said in spider language "you may have noticed me sneaking up on you, but just try to catch me now, you ninny! I am ready to jump onto your face and make a screeching noise and bite you and kill you slowly in revenge for killing my brother. Leaving his remains on the wall as a warning didn't ward me off. Prepare to die" and jumped off the wall onto the floor.

I climbed onto my chair, took a deep breath and swung my flip flop to end the life of this large-and-growing-larger-by-the-minute enemy of mine. Take that, you horrible spider!

I have prevailed!