So What if I'm Emotional?! I Have My Period ...

So I've been going to the gym for a month. Yesterday was my monthly weigh-measure thingy. I am proud to announce (and by 'proud' I mean 'mad-as-hell-and-I-never-want-to-go-back-for-as-long-as-I-live') ...

Ready?

I have gained weight. If you remember, a week and a half ago I had lost 3 pounds. But now I'm up five from my starting weight. Thus, I have gained 8 pounds in one and a half weeks. Good work, deRaad. Good work.

If that isn't bad enough, my body fat percentage also went up! Again with the good work.

This is ridic.

I told S. After he told me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that the machines are mistaken, he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. A WALK?!?! Do I LOOK like I want to go for a walk?! I just gained 8 pounds in a week and a half! I am not walking ANYWHERE!

I told my mom and Janie and they proceeded to come up with a million reasons why it's wrong and it's not my fault. I love them for that.

But can you believe working out could be such a horrible idea?!

I Am Wondering:

- why boys are so ridic and absurd and annoying

- when it's going to be lunch time

- who is going to come crash at our house in 2010 for the winter olympics

- why I keep craving and wishing I was eating popcorn while we watch Sex & The City

- what my results will be when I go for my assessment thing at the gym today

- how much vitamins I have to have to get rid of this cold

- who is going to ultimately win Janie's heart (this is very exciting. AND relevant to me because clearly we are still going to live together after we each get married)

- what I should do with my hair

- what I did to deserve everything I have (the best things in life aren't things)

- when it's going to be appropriate to wear summer clothes, seeing as it snowed on Saturday

Do You Realize:

- you have the most beautiful face?

- the next Winter Olympics will be held in MY CITY??

- how annoying it is when one person in the office (who may or may not be the boss) blames other people for mistakes THREE times in one morning, and then it is found out that the mistakes were actually his, and then he doesn't even APOLOGIZE?!

- with your words you can wound someone and with your words you can heal someone?

- it's sunny out today and that means that it's practically close to summer (despite the forecast for snow this weekend) and that means I can wear flip flops?

- how valuable you are?

Blue Confetti ...

When I have PMS and I call S to tell him I'm coming to visit him ...
and he says 'Oh! Ok' ...
instead of continuing our conversation and feeling like he is pleasantly surprised because I practically never go visit him and he comes to see me almost every single time ...
I think 'oh-my-goodness-he-doesn't-really-want-me-to-come-over-and-oh-my-God-the-honeymoon-is-over-and-this-is-going-to-make-me-cry*-and-maybe-it's-because-the-present-I-got-him-wasn't-good-enough-or-probably-he-just-plain-hates-my-guts' ...
*sigh* ...

(Good grief, Anika) ...

*juuuuuust like I cried when a snowboarder fell yesterday in the Olympics

It is that Look of the Lionness to her Man Across the Nile

I almost forgot how rain makes me feel melancholy and aloof. Maybe I'm always aloof and the melancholy-ness is the part that comes and goes.

"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted" ~Bertrand Russell

Life is good.

Snippits ...

Because at least one person per day searches for Will Farrell's Harry Caray videos and somehow my blog comes up, here is the link for Space, The Infinite Frontier.

I wrote this quote on my bathroom mirror: “The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can't get there, is the meanest feeling in the world” ~Edgar Watson Howe

Today Team Canada's men's hockey team played Russia. And lost. I like Russia. I really do. But now all we have in Canada is beer. This. Really. Sucks.

I didn't have any really scary dreams last night. But I did have an unpleasant one. A couple of years ago I did a big class project about dreams. But I still don't have them figured out.

Jacob has become a martyr for the male species: the girls in grade 2 asked him to play soccer on their team at recess so that they can win. And he's going to do it.

This morning a co-worker said to me "that's nice that the bosses are handing out raises, hey?" ... I didn't get a raise, you dumbass. I have gotten a few since I started just over a year ago. But still.

I think Dog the Bounty Hunter is endearing.

Fraidy Cat ...

Last night I had three or four severely frightening dreams in a row. I don't very often get nightmares, but I was so scared I didn't want to go back to sleep in case I had another one. At the risk of sounding wimpy, here are some of the contents:

- I was caught in a war a la Lord of the Rings. Huge scary beasts everywhere and I was smaller than them and I knew I was going to die. I had no defenses and no weapons. I was crying but no one could, or wanted to, help me.

- I was inside a house and someone was coming to kill me. He was outside and had a device to find me wherever I was. I was trying to stay away from windows because the guy who was going to kill me was outside ... Later, he was in the house chasing me.

What is wrong with me?

Things That Concern Me:

- I have been going to the gym for 2 1/2 weeks. And I've only lost three freaking pounds ... I realize it's inches and not pounds that count, so I will refrain from panicking until I have sufficient evidence to do so.

- the Canadian men's hockey team lost yesterday. That is nooooo good. This is our sport, guys! If Canadians don't have hockey, all we have is beer!

- Jacob has been 'self-adjusting' lately, if you know what I mean. I finally confronted him about it and he said "but it's sticking to my leg" ... *sigh*

Wheelbarrow Dancing ...

Well ... Because I feel like I love life and the sunshine and Jacob and going to the gym and tanning and playing outside and Sex & The City and my friends and my family and all sorts of other things ... And also because I have nothing more to say than list things that I love ... I've handed over responsibility to Google to list things that I love ...

Anika loves to play with the fairies (supervised, of course, as small parts can become a choking hazard if she's allowed to chew the heads off).
Anika loves only one man
Anika loves going out for breakfast
Anika loves chewing on lycra
Anika loves the stink of flowers
Anika loves to paint
Anika loves rainbow monkeys with all her heart
Anika loves the feeling that we're all connected by our mothering experiences

And this video used to make me laugh my head off, but I haven't thought about it for quite some time ... I know it's old. But it's good.

Stop, Collaborate and Listen ...

I listened to Ice Ice Baby this morning. And remember that song 'Return of the Mack'? Well I do. And I listened to it this morning, too, on my way to work. Twice. I had a boyfriend once who loved this song and danced to it. And I thought he was such a great dancer because he was older so clearly he knew better. Now I know he just looked ridiculous. And he gained a lot of weight. Take that, sucka! You're a tote luse.* Muahahaha

And now I'm drinking coffee. Reeeeeally strong coffee -- the kind that makes you shudder when you take a sip.


*tote luse = total loser

All In Stride ...

Things that are annoying me today:
- this girl who's been ugly to me and I don't know what her big fat problem is or if I'm just being over-sensitive but she's friends with S and she used to absolutely love me so what the dick?
- my boss asked me to talk to their daughter about her dysfunctional relationship with her mother (that sentence doesn't make sense, but it does to me)
- this (still)

Things that are counter-balancing the annoying things:
- I finished my paper for school and I think I did a good job
- I read the Liturgy of Marriage from the Middle Ages and it has some really great parts
- I have been to the gym 3x per week for the last 3 weeks
- I have a really yummy lunch today
- it's a beautiful day out

Two Love Poems I Have Loved For A Long Time:

Symptoms of True Love

Love is a universal migraine,
A bright stain on the vision
Blotting out reason.

Symptoms of true love
Are leanness, jealousy,
Laggard dawns;

Are omens and nightmares,
Listening for a knock,
Waiting for a song:
For a touch of her fingers
In a darkened room,
For searching look.

Take courage, lover!
Can you endure such grief
At any hand but hers?
~Robert Graves

*

*

*

*

*

You Fit Into Me
You fit into me
like a hook into an eye
A fish hook
An open eye
~Margaret Atwood

Singles Awareness Day ...

In true nerd fashion I'm wearing pink. And to top it all off, my shirt says "Love is giving you a natural high."

I like Valentines this year because Jake gave me a card telling me I'm cool and that he "sher loves me." And because one day I am going to fall in love. And because Janie left a note on our bulletin board this morning saying "To everyone, Will you be my Valentine?" and it made me smile.

And even though I think love is for suckas I still like love.

You and You ...

Sometimes I get tired of
self-proclaimed heros
Bombarding me with 'wisdom' and 'insight'
About the me they think I am

Don't bother to examine
the plank in your eye before you point out
the specks you see in mine.
I am well aware of the things that obscure my vision

And all I want to ask is this:
When was the last time your radar
accurately picked up the signals
I am sending off?

I Like This Day ...

Well, my friends ... I like this day because it's sunny and happy and my Oma's birthday and I have paid off most of my Visa bill and I've been to the gym two times this week and tonight the Canucks are playing and there's fun and exciting new people to talk to at my work and I can see Mount Baker and my pants are a bit loose on me and I straightened my hair and my mom saw what I wrote about her on my blog and it made her cry and we might go gallivanting tomorrow and Phil sent me the sweetest message ever ...

And to top it all off, it's Friday!

I Love This Girl ...

Awhile ago, Ant interviewed me. It was one of the best days of my life. And since today has been a shit day so far, I'm trying to improve the world by interviewing Shari. Here it is, folks. Uncut and candid ...

Shari. First-of-all-oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-flattered-that-you-would-even-consider-responding-to-my-email!
Um, yeah, it's because you filled up my entire inbox. I had to do something about it.

Right. Well. Moving right along. I read on your blog that you like to do science experiments. Tell me, do you ever do experiments on your children?
My children ARE the experiment. *sly chuckle*

So how do these experiments turn out?
It's not about the end result really, it's all about the process. You know, it doesn't really matter if the rabbit gets a horrible rash on its bunny behind. What matters is how exactly you hold the rabbit down to shave the hair off it's behind. That's the joy of science, right there.

Will you do an experiment on me?
No.

Do your girls do experiments on you?
Yes. They are currently in the middle of the "How long will it take to make Mom's head blow off by acting as if we really earnestly want to be cheerleaders later in life." That one should be over soon and they will jump right into the next torture session - I mean science experiment.

I have seen gruesome pictures of the drowned barbie incident. Did you or your daughters get counseling to help you recover from this tragedy? Do you have any leads as to who may have done this dreadful deed?
I don't like to talk about that day. But let me just say that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is nothing to sneeze at.
As for a suspect, I think George Bush was behind it. Or the red-headed Barbie that looks like she is in full-stride, running from the scene. Or the mermaid. Really, she was probably still alive, just playing dead. I shudder to think of the devastation of that day. Would you consider taking my case pro bono?

I AM pro Bono. He's hot.
Erm, ok. Right.

Your name, Shari, rhymes with 'berry,' 'merry' and 'fairy.' Which one of the three most accurately describes you? How do you feel about this?
I actually think that "very" describes me most accurately. I don't know if Canada has Keri Lotion.

Yes it does.
I don't care. Anyways the "Keri is so very...." commercials? Jamie Norris, my best friend's little brother used to stare at me with one eyebrow in the air and drawl, "Shari is soooo very...." And you know what? He was right. I am so very.
BUT ... if I had to choose one of the actual choices ... I would have to go with "fairy". They are beautiful and thin and charming and they are always standing daintily on their perfect and tiny bare feet and they are so wonderful that most people don't even believe they exist. The similarities there are almost scary.

Your blog is entitled "if swallowed, induce vomiting." How did you come up with this name and in what way does it apply to your life?
I decided years ago that I needed to start writing my autobiography. I have some funny and unbelievable things that have happened to me and these things should be written down. I also believed that there was so much that just the first 15 or 20 years of my life was enough for one or two books. So, I decided on the "Encyclopedia Brittanica" genre for my autobiography. The thought was, when I died, an entire industry could revolve around entrepreneurial souls willing to travel the country and selling the full 20 volume set of my life.

This in no way answers your question, does it? Let's try again.
You know when someone is gullible and you say, "They will swallow anything?" in reference to their innocence and trust? Well, if you're like that you need to prepare to purge that innocence after reading my blog. Stop being so damn gullible and embrace the lies and cynicism of the real world. (I so try to be all hard-core like this, but usually fail miserably.)
No, that's not really it either.
Let's try again. I don't know exactly. But I liked the sound of it.

Me too. Now ... A few short questions:
What is your favorite color?
Puce or orange, one of those.

What is your favorite food?
Almonds or rare steak or Idaho Spud candy bars.

What is your favorite animal?
The Jerk of All Trades, oh and chinchillas. I like chinchillas.

I always thought chinchillas were insects. Interesting ... What makes you laugh so hard your drink comes out of your nose?
So many things. Laughter is just hard wired in me. I laugh when I talk, I laugh when I cry. I laugh at funerals and in scary situations. Some say it is a defense mechanism. That could be true. It's a good one, though.

It sure is ... So um, Shari? Forgive me, I'm a little nervous here ... Wanna be bff's?
No.

Ok. Friends forever?
No.

Acquaintances?
Um. Sure. You live far enough away that'll suffice.

Excellent! Thanks for your time Shari ... Shari? ... Hm. She's gone.

Aaaaaaaa! Ahaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaa!

Well folks ... It appears I do have a longer attention span than my seven-year-old. For I sat through the entire Superbowl game WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING A SINGLE RULE OF THE GAME!! (translation: I had no stinking idea what was going on) All I knew was that everyone at this gathering was cheering for Seattle. And S had bet $1000 on Pittsburgh. And I want pretty things. So I went against the flow.

Some things I learned this weekend:
- boys are fascinated by stitches and blood. And these things make me queasy.
- my friend Krista is a trooper and nothing stops us from having a good time. Not even a power outage at a bar (which resulted in tequila shots in the dark with bouncers and bartenders after everyone left).
- I have accidentally been drinking Jack Daniels. Who'd have figured me for a whiskey girl?
- in football it's really difficult to tell if a player is really mad or really happy.

It's Friday ...

and life is good ...

Mothers and Groundhogs ...

Well, the groundhog around here saw his shadow. Or maybe he didn't. I dunno, whichever one makes it spring early. Guess it paid off to buy a new bikini to encourage the weather, right guys?

In other news, it's my mom's birthday. You should meet her -- she never ceases to amaze me.

Like the time I threw her a surprise 50th birthday party. And she had breast cancer so she had no hair. When she got to the house (where the party was happening), she'd been too hot so she'd taken off her wig. She walked in and everyone saw her with 2mm long white-as-snow hair. And she still looked gorgeous. She didn't put her wig back on all night ...

Or the time she got a little tipsy at my brother's wedding. It was too cute.

Or the story of before her and my dad got divorced. They were in the kitchen and Willy (my father) was standing there being a complete asshole, telling her about his new girlfriend and being generally verbally abusive. My mom was holding a fork and threw it into the sink but it bounced out and stuck in his hand. I still laugh about that.

How about the fact that when I got pregnant at 17, and having a religious family, she never disowned me. She was disappointed at first (which is clearly worse than being angry). But she never was ashamed of me and she never gave up on me.

All the times I've been discouraged or worried she speaks encouragement into my life. She's a believer in Anika even when I'm not.



Mom, you are completely and utterly the most amazing woman I have ever known. And if I grow up to be even half the woman you are, I'm blessed.

Anika's Underrated List ...

- board games
- grilled cheese sandwiches
- letters in the mail
- straight cowboys
- dreams of having a family
- unthreatening nerdiness
- university degrees
- the beach
- the girl-next-door
- prank calls to friends
- trampolines
- coconut
- thank-you notes
- Dr. Suess
- macaroni & cheese
- duct tape
- forgiveness
- daisies
- slow dancing
- waffles
- the ability to admit 'I don't know'
- cravings
- the threat of extinction by comet collision
- bubble wrap