Today ...

One thing I like about having no air conditioning in Rafiki (my car): Slurpees taste WAY better in the heat than in the freezing cold.


Today I cut this guy off in traffic (it was his fault for not letting me merge when it was clearly my turn!) and he honked at me. Did I finger him or yell or swear? NO!! In fact, I gave him a thumbs up. I. Am. So. Cool.

Dear God,

I don't want to be single anymore. Please send me a husband (boyfriend) that looks good in a cowboy hat and is tall enough for me to wear high heels with and who my step-dad likes and who is fatter than me (and by 'fatter' I don't mean 'fat'. I just mean someone who's not skinnier than me) and who likes beer (but isn't an alcoholic) and who Jacob loves so much and who makes me laugh (but not just in a polite you-were-trying-to-be-funny-so-here's-a-pity-laugh kind of way) and who likes to spend money (like me) and who has the same spiritual and moral beliefs and who loves hockey (and fights in hockey) and who wants four more kids and who is protective of Jacob and I (but not confrontational or cocky) and who is sensitive (but doesn't cry all the time) and who thinks I'm beautiful.

Thank you.

Love,
Anika

04.09.03

Alone in silence and screaming.
Above, the moon is unaffected by fog
Unaffected by me
Let me out farther than I've ever been
Everything is impossible
Sanity is fiction -- my life is a novel
Unread
Unseen
Unacknowledged
But I am not known even to myself
My love springs from hate
My joy springs from fear
I am running to slow down
I am falling to keep still
I am stopping for a new start
I am surviving to make it end
I keep walking this path -- kissing, smiling, fucking, crying
This is more than I can handle, but less than I've overcome
Surviving is not living
Loving is not taking
Giving is not feeling
But I weep and I live and I listen

Things About Me #51 - 75

51. My least favorite job I've ever had was being a server at a restaurant.
52. I like the smell of roses, but I don't like the smell of rose-scented stuff.
53. I love carbs.
54. I have never done a cartwheel.
55. I am indecisive.
56. One of my ex-boyfriends asked me if I thought he was too good to be true (I said no, of course).
57. I have a short attention span.
58. I love to sing along to music.
59. When I eat a bag of chips I squish them all first so that they're nice and small.
60. I like to know the endings of books and movies before I read or watch them.
61. When I was in grade 3 (I think) in Social Studies we learned about a community that lived on the moon.
62. I thought this was real; that people really did live on the moon.
63. I like pickles on my grilled cheese sandwiches.
64. I learned to skateboard in university.
65. When I got my drivers license, my only demerit was for putting the right turn signal on when I was going left.
66. I think the driving-tester-lady passed me because she felt sorry for me because I was pregnant.
67. I can wiggle my ears (without touching them).
68. In cooking class in high school we ruined everyone else's food by pouring salt in their recipes when they weren't looking.
69. If I was a boy, my parents were going to name me Christopher.
70. If Jacob was a girl, his name was going to be Michaela Lynne.
71. When I was little my favorite tv show was Fraggle Rock.
72. I prefer toilet paper to roll off the top.
73. Sometimes when I'm swimming in a pool I get scared of sharks.
74. I don't like it when people whistle to music. Humming and singing is ok, but not whistling.
75. I love putting on makeup.

Sad ...*

Songs that made me sad when I was very little:

The song "Puff the Magic Dragon"
The song (and story -- we had a book to document the whole damn thing!) "Hush Little Baby"


Things I do when I'm sad:

I listen to Sigur Ros
I write in my journal (preferably at the beach)
I eat crayons

*disclaimer: I'm not really sad today. I'm just thinking about sad things.

I'm Over It ...

Yesterday I started questioning myself about whether or not I am actually over one of my ex-boyfriends.

Last night I had a dream that he was telling me about a sexual encounter he had with someone else. And I reacted in the dream as if he was telling me the square root of pi.

I think it's safe to say I have my answer.

Oh The Thinks You Can Think ...

So ... If I was God I'd be kind of annoyed because what's the point of taking all that time to create little bugs and their I-see-everything-28-times-with-each-eye eyes and their cool little wings and suction-cupped-feet-that-can-walk-on-ceilings just so they can get squished by a fast-moving-car-windshield or the-face-of-a-girl-sitting-on-the-front-of-a-boat?

And these are the kinds of thoughts that consume my days ...

You Can Imagine My Supreeze ...

So I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books. And I haven't seen any of the movies either. It's not that I don't want to -- it's just that I haven't (yet).

Anyways, I am excited to inform you, Imaginary Internet Friends, that I know the shocking turn of events that happens in the new book "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"!

I like knowing how the story ends in movies and books. I won't tell you, don't worry. But I'm just saying that I know.

I've Been Tagged!

Noel had this on her site and tagged me ... Here you are, guys!

How many books do you own? I don't know because I've moved a few times. Enough to fill up an IKEA bookshelf, though, that's for sure.

What is the last book you bought? Lemony Snicket's Austere Academy. I know I've mentioned this before, but I really do recommend them.

What is the last book you read? The same one. But other books that I have been reading are Without Conscience (I know it's creepy, but I'm a Psychology student, so it's excusable) and Bono in Conversation, which is really fantastic.

What’s the one book that you can’t wait to read? *sigh* I'm a complete and total nerd and I anticipate a lot of mocking for this, but the truth is that I really want to read some of my Psyc textbooks again because I like learning and it's interesting to me (most of it).

What 5 books are most important to you? (In no particular order...)
1. The Little Prince -- This is the most amazing and wonderful and perfect book I have ever read. I highly recommend it.
2. My journal -- It's tattered and torn in some places and it has poems and drawings and it's almost filled up. It's my journey.
3. My Bible -- I haven't read it in a dog's age. But it's important to me.
4. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time -- I lent this book out to someone and will probably never see it again (I hate it when that happens!) but it is an amazing book ... Do I say 'amazing' too much?
5. Blue Like Jazz -- Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. Very interesting. AND funny.

Willy Wonka

Last night we took Jake and a couple of his friends to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved it.

My favorite part was at the end when Charlie has to make the decision to go with Willy Wonka or stay with his family. Jacob turned to his friend and said "if that was me, I would choose to stay with my mom too."

In the Past 2 Days:

Number of jokes my boss has made about my weight:

2

I am going to be thoughtfully and carefully plotting his demise while I eat my chocolate bar at lunch.

Why I Heart My Car:

Cars are great little friends. Some things about my car that I love:

1. She is a mom car. People don't expect me to be listening to good music on the stock stereo or doing my makeup in the rearview mirror.

2. She has crayons melted to the back seat.

3. She smells like lavender and frankinsence, thanks to my handy dandy infuser-thingy.

4. She gets in races all the time (and wins).

5. She agrees with me when I have road rage and yell.

6. She has a really wonderful horn that gets honked excessively. Honking makes me laugh.

7. She has a cute little scar on the back bumper from when she accidentally reversed into a fire hydrant.

8. She tells me when she needs more oil. For instance, just yesterday, after 3 weeks of the oil light coming on, I checked and the oil wasn't even registering on the dipstick!

9. She has all sorts of treasures in the trunk (and by 'treasures' I mean things-that-I've-forgotten-I-stowed-in-there).

10. Her name is Rafiki. And she is mine. I heart Rafiki.

A Letter to my Hair:

Dear hair,

We have been through a lot together -- the teased bangs, the elementary-school-perm, the looking-like-I-was-a-boy-until-I-was-2 because you just didn't show up, the dread locks, and every color of the rainbow dye jobs. I just need to let you know where I stand.

Hair, I know you're probably still mad at me for thinking that you were straight and styling you accordingly for the past several years. But now that I know that you're naturally curly, I must ask: why can't you be nice?! Here's a few nice little hints:

- Decide. All of you curl or none of you curl. No more multiple personality hair.
- Frizz is ugly. Curl is pretty. Frizz is ugly. Curl is pretty.
- The Barbie-after-having-a-'haircut' hair? No good.
- Please live up to the 'Dream Curl' promise the products advertise. Just once. Just for, like, one night.

*sigh*

Love,
The girl who gets to decide if you live or die

Dear Imaginary Internet Friends,

I apologize for ranting. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest.

Love,
me.

Bad Mood.

All I have to say is this:

What the fuck is a family for if they can't even stick up for eachother?
A family is where you should feel safe and accepted.
A family is where you should feel like you can be you and you'll still be loved.
A family is where you should not have to worry about being taken advantage of.
A family should be your safe haven.

I am aware that nobody's family is perfect.
But fuck.

Things About Me #26 - 50

26. I love big and fun rings and necklaces.
27. Big and fun rings look dumb on me because I bite my nails but I wear them anyways.
28. My brown eyes are sometimes green.
29. When I told my high school best friend that I was pregnant, I said "I think I might be drunk."
30. She knew what I was talking about, but no one else did, so we kept talking in those terms for a few weeks until I told other people.
31. When I worked at McDonald's I accidentally dropped a cd in the fry vat.
32. When I shake the hand of someone I anticipate that I won't like, I make my hand completely limp.
33. Sometimes I drink 7 or 8 cups of coffee in a day.
34. I am usually a restless sleeper.
35. I like sneezing.
36. I tried giving myself a tattoo when I was young(er). The blue is faded now.
37. When I went to the dentist when I was little I took one friendship bracelet of every color because I couldn't decide which one I wanted.
38. When my mom discovered this she made me take them back and apologize.
39. Once I stole the movie Dumb & Dumber and I still feel guilty about it.
40. Humor is the defense mechanism I use the most.
41. I have never broken a bone in my body (well, I might have broken my toe, but I'm not sure)
42. No matter how hot it is at night, I have to have some sort of blanket on me.
43. I used to go to the Buddhist temple whenever I was stressed out.
44. My mom made me take piano lessons when I was a kid. She told me I'd regret quitting them when I was older and I didn't believe her.
45. I regret quitting piano lessons.
46. I am two classes away from having my BA in Psychology.
47. Yes, I am analyzing you right now.
48. The most relaxing thing I can think of doing is sitting on the beach by myself writing in my journal.
49. I change my hair color a lot because I get bored easily.
50. I love Shel Silverstein kids books and poetry.

A Ray is a Ray is a Ray ...

So I have concluded that Rays are all alike*. The only three Rays that I know are:

1. My son's sperm donor. There's a whole lotta drama that goes along with him. I won't bore y'all about it. If you really need to know the sitch, ask Firefighter Jen. They are (and always will be) arch enemies.

2. My high school best friend's dad. Alanna and I concluded way back then that dads are a waste of time. End of story.

3. The guy who owns a Pub and with whom our company has done business with recently. Every time I've talked to him on the phone he hits on me (in an I'm-joking-but-not-really-because-I'm-a-creepy-guy way). Lets recap our last conversation:

me: Hi, Ray, it's Anika from ------ calling about the outstanding invoice.

Ray: Oh hi, Anika! Good to hear from you! Yeah the cheque is in the mail (that's another thing about Rays -- they use such clicheed phrases all. the. time.

me: Ok, thank you!

Ray: Is that all you called about?

me: Yes.

Ray: You should come in sometime, I'll buy you some drinks.

me: No thank you.

Ray: *click*


*If you are reading this, and you are a Ray, and you are not like the other Rays, I apologize. But I'm writing from my own experience.

3 Reasons I Don't Believe In My Horoscopes

1. Today as I was perusing the newspaper, I came across today's, which said "a cookie in each hand is not a well-balanced diet." Um, lesh, lesh it ish. And so is one hand of cookies and the other of chips. And jellybeans. And chocolate. And strawberry-marshmallow 5-cent candies.

2. Libra's sign is the scales. Scales = balance. Me? Well-balanced? Riiiiiiight ...

3. I refuse to believe that all people born September 23rd - October 22nd have the same characteristics and/or personality. Lets review a few: me, a horrible ex-boyfriend, willie (the guy some people, but not me, would refer to as my father), and Dylan from 90210.

I'm sticking to Dubble Bubble fortunes.

My Dubble Bubble Fortune:

Happiness is right next to you.

I think ...

If crane flies could talk, they'd have a deep voice and a lisp. And they'd stutter.

Things About Me #1 - 25

1. I wish on stars.
2. I had my son when I was 17 years old.
3. The song I want for my wedding is "So This is Love" from Cinderella.
4. Truthfully I don't think I will ever get married.
5. People always think my name is A-neek-a. That annoys me.
6. When my sister and I were littler and we were having family pictures, we'd make ugly or funny faces to ruin them.
7. We compiled a whole bunch of those pictures and put them in a card for my mom that said "You're a great mom -- look how we turned out!"
8. I think I could eat either sour cream or whipped cream on every food.
9. The thing I like the least about myself is my thought patterns.
10. I talk to other drivers even though they can't hear me.
11. The last Math class I took I passed with 50%. I think the teacher just didn't want me to come back.
12. I have never travelled outside of North America.
13. I have a chicken pox scar on my leg calf.
14. I really hate cats because we had a cat from hell growing up.
15. When I learned to snowboard I could only go backwards for most of the day until my friend finally taught me to go forwards.
16. Until I was 2 years old I had barely any hair. And the hair I did have was very fine and so blonde that I looked bald. I was mistaken for a boy many times.
17. Green is my very favorite color.
18. I don't like it when people touch my neck. It induces my gag reflex.
19. I pierced my ears three times with a safety pin when I was 16.
20. Then I tried piercing my belly button with a safety pin and it got infected.
21. My most vivid memory of growing up is the evening my mom told me that my dad had a girlfriend.
22. I don't dance but I really like to (yeah you try figuring that one out)
23. I have this horrible habit of envisioning myself getting into a huge car accident when I'm driving.
24. I find that I am sadder more often on rainy or overcast days than sunny days.
25. I worry incessantly.

I Have Only Made My Grandma Laugh Once*:

I told her that I hope in heaven they have those 25-cent binoculars so that we can look at the-man-some-people-(but not me)-would-call-my-father's wife in hell.

*that I can remember.

Me.

This morning I brought Jake to a day camp at my grandparents' church. The man that greeted us said that Jacob has been a delight and he's well behaved and they've really enjoyed having him this week. Then he said "It was nice to meet you. I think we've only met your husband so far."

And I was too ashamed to tell him that I don't have a husband.

Number of Times I Spilled my Lunch on My Shirt Today:

3.

I am so cool.

YUM

If I could only have one taste in my mouth for the rest of my life, I'd choose those marshmallow strawberry 5-cent candies.

The Spider that Thought I Was a Chicken

This morning when I got to my office I was the only one here. When I went to my computer something caught my eye up in the corner. I looked up to see a horrible big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spider. Let me tell ya, I almost peed my pants on the spot, but then something happened: we made eye contact. He was saying to me "haha I know you're too scared to kill me and you're just going to sit at your desk and hyperventilate all day knowing I'm here and I might be a tarantula and jump off the wall onto your face and bite you and kill you and make a scary screeching sound at the same time, biotch!"

I had no choice.

I moved everything of value to me away from my desk (this included my cup of coffee -- imagine the horror of a spider in my coffee!) and grabbed my shoe and stood up on my unsteady swively chair and took a deep breath. In one motion I screamed (I was still the only one here) and hit him with my shoe, almost falling off the chair to my death with a spider attached to my face.

He died. I courageously 'wiped' his remains off the wall (well, the ones that came off easily) with an empty envelope and flushed him, hyperventilating and not taking my eyes off his remains, lest he come to life (do spiders, like cats, have 9 lives? We may never know) and jump off the envelope onto my face and bite me and kill me and make a scary screeching sound at the same time.

Take that, spider! And let the remains that didn't come easily off the wall be a warning to the rest of you big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spiders!

This Weekend in Math ...

1 front tooth knocked out of Jacob's mouth while boating (it was already loose)
+1 green-shirt-guy getting a wedgie in the middle of the dance floor (he deserved it)
+1 dinner with my Oma & Opa (it made me sad)
+1 shot of tequila that made me want to dry heave
+1 plate of calamari that Jacob liked even after I told him what it is (he started naming them)
+1 night out until 6am (including: watching the sunrise at the beach)
+1 sunburn

+2 new venus fly trap plants (hopefully these ones won't die)
+2 packets of candied walnuts from McDonald's for breakfast
+2 times wearing my new shirt (I know, I'm a geek)
+2 blisters on my feet from my shoes
+2 cups of hot chocolate while Jacob and I watched fireworks from our balcony
+2 dill pickles I ate at a party where we were the only girls, besides the host
+2 times dancing (I. Don't. Dance.)

=3 day weekend

My Experience of Love ...*

Love is high hopes that disappoint.
Love is exposing yourself to be ridiculed.
Love is worry.
Love is tears.
Love is work that bears no fruit.
Love is making a fool of yourself.
Love is binding yourself to another person, just to have them leave, dragging you behind for awhile and leaving you bruised and scraped.
Love is trying to talk to a turned head.
Love is disappointment.
Love is someone beating you down.
Love is exposing your vulnerabilities and letting someone take advantage of it.
Love is wasted thoughts.
Love is risks that shouldn't have been taken.
Love is a mockery of your true self.
Love is selling everything you have for that one thing, but never actually getting to hold that thing in your hand.
Love is a regret that should never be forgotten.
Love is believing lies.
Love is waiting for something that never arrives.
Love is walking blindly into disaster.
Love is disregarding any warning signs.

*from my journal, so don't mock it even if you really really want to.

Live 8 in Quotes

"We are not looking for charity, we are looking for justice. We cannot fix everything but the ones we can we must." ~Bono.

"This is such a special event for me. I want to sing my best and look my best. I've been working on my voice to make sure it's in top condition and working on my body too. I've been dieting and exercising non-stop so I can get into the outfit I want to wear." ~Mariah Carey (another one of her brilliant comments: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.")

"50,000 people every single day are dying of poverty. I would bet my life that if 50,000 died here in the western world something would be done by this evening to make sure that didn't happen tomorrow. That bothers me. At the end of the day, we as a nation have robbed, killed, stolen and tortured the third world for centuries. If there is a debt to be paid, surely we are the ones that owe it." ~Ms. Dynamite

"There isn't a plan B. Plan B is that we continue to let them die ... every night live on television. Mahatma Gandhi freed a continent, Martin Luther King freed a people, Nelson Mandela freed a country. It does work. They will listen." ~Bob Geldof

"Correct me if I am wrong, but are they hoping that one of these guys from the G8 is going to see Annie Lennox singing Sweet Dreams and think 'f**k me, she might have a point there'." ~Noel Gallagher

Happy Canada Day!

Viva Canada!