Dear Red Jeep Driver:

You are my arch enemy and nobody wants to be your friend. And the last 3 letters of your license plate are 'FEM.'

Offense #1: You cut me off. Thank you, though, for putting your turning signal on at the very last second and thus giving me the opportunity to slam on my breaks so as not to hit you. On my list of arch enemies, you are one of the more thoughtful ones.

Offense #2: It was a cloudy day. You had the top down and everything that could possibly come off your vehicle, off your vehicle.*

Offense #3: We were on the freeway. Your hair did not move (see offense #2).

And I know you caught the daggers moving swiftly from my eyes to yours when you glanced in your rearview mirror.


*disclaimer: I'm sure if I had a convertible, I'd take advantage of it as much as possible. But I don't have one.

Sidenotes:

Sidenote #1: the tooth fairy completely redeemed herself by leaving Jacob a nice letter and lots of money.

Sidenote #2: further proof that clowns are creepy and scary: John Wayne Gacy from Illinois entertained children as 'Pogo the Clown' but he was a psychopath and murdered 32 men in the 70's, burying most of the bodies in the crawl space under his house.

Proof

Proof that clowns are indeed creepy and scary: The movie 'It'

Proof that mail-order brides are alive and well in Canada: our landlord and his wife (Dear Landlord: To hide this secret better, it'd be a great idea if you could just try a little teensy bit to be attractive. No more coke bottle glasses, no more loud hawaiian print shirts, no more fanny packs, no more white socks pulled up to your knees with sandals.)

Proof that I am gullible: Janie: "This is the slowest elevator in the world" me: "really?"

Proof that the tooth fairy is a bitch: she forgot -- FORGOT! -- to leave money under Jacob's pillow last night! He even left her a note explaining that he couldn't find it. I told him she's probably just looking for it and I'm sure there will be money there when he gets home from school (there WILL).

Proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy: my friend brought me a Starbucks card the other day for no reason.

Anika is ...*

Anika is most likely not able to hear normal speech
Anika is definitely not an ordinary girl
Anika is a bitch with a high temperament and excellent character
Anika is loved
Anika is clearly someone to keep your eye on
Anika is a soul diva with just the right amount of attitude
Anika is an avid animal lover with three cats of her own**
Anika is the shit
Anika is probably the first Dutch woman to sing for an all Japanese audience
Anika is very sad and confused
Anika is awake
Anika is unconvinced and keeps staring at me
Anika is the sunshine of our lives
Anika is a woman who wreaks havoc
Anika is more innocent than she appears to be
Anika is "pretty" in a very loose sense of the word
Anika is trying to lay on my feet while I struggle to work out
Anika is so beautiful that perhaps the mosquitos thought better of it when it came to biting her***
Anika is mommy material
Anika is a one stop insurance solution provider
Anika is a 100% natural amateur and before she came to us she had never been nude in front of a camera
Anika is a virgin
Anika is also a certified welder
Anika is a very stubborn girl

*as found at googlism.com
**disclaimer: I hate cats
***I hate mosquitos too

My Son Is Not Racist

Setting: local movie store

Characters: me, Jacob, large African American man

Scene: Jake is restlessly jumping around on the black and white striped tiled floor singing the "Step on the crack, break your mother's back" song and giving me a play-by-play of his adventure. He hops over every white stripe and eventually comes to a corner, where he turns and calls to me "hey mom, look! Another big black one!" I look up to see the large black man giving me an I-certainly-hope-your-son-is-not-talking-about-me look. I decide an explanation to the guy would make matters more uncomfortable. We quickly pick out a movie and leave.

Why Am I So Annoyed?

Perhaps by exploring the feeling, the feeling will leave me. Lets move in for a closer look:

1. First of all, it's Friday and there's nothing to do. Nothing! That's one thing that actually does suck about being single -- no guaranteed something-to-do-no-matter-what. *sigh*

2. My boss forgot to separate some paper thingers before he mailed them. Who's getting blamed? Me! I 'should have reminded him to do it when he said that the papers were thicker than he remembered' of course. Silly stupid girl. Tsk tsk.

3. This day is going slow. It's almost the weekend, but time is d.r.a.g.g.i.n.g.

4. I'm contemplating a whole snake-oil-salesman-kind-of-deal. Why, you ask? Well, some people who know some people who know some people know some people that have gotten some amazing results. Should I try it? Am I a sucker?

5. I need more coffee. Or a lobotomy. Or I need to listen to the Arab Strap song 'Don't Leave the Lights On' because the first line is 'It's been a bloody stupid day' ...

Indeed it has.

Ah, Childhood Memories ...

When I was little, up till around age 9 I lived in a house on a busy street. We had a long driveway that connected with our next door neighbors'. I played all the time with the kids that lived there: Nikki (same age as me), Carmen (one or two years younger than me) & Ryan (a couple years older than me). We had our share of altercations, but one in particular is etched forever in my mind:

Ryan: You just think you're so strong.

me (in my ever-eloquent fashion): Yeah, so?!

Ryan (picking up what was then a very large rock): So you probably can't even throw this over my head!

me (grabbing the what-was-then-very-large-rock): Yes I can!

Well as luck would have it I was not, in fact, as strong as I'd claimed. Lets just say the story ends with blood and crying and me getting grounded to my room for the whole afternoon.

It was his own fault. Obviously.

Things I Thought About at Lunchtime:

- A nectarine is not a good date food. Luckily I was eating by myself.

- The new Dolce & Gabbana scent 'light blue' is delicious

- I've always wanted to learn how to say "I love you" in as many languages as I possibly can. All I can really remember right now is French (je t'adore), Czech (ya tibia lublu), Dutch (i klem ye leif), & German (ich leibe dich)*.

- Where do those "horrible-extensive-long-range-communication-networking"** spiders go when I can't see them?

- I've only had ONE cup of coffee so far today!! Not bad, eh?

*please don't stone me for my horrible spelling in other languages!
**according to Fribbiter. I agree with him.

Adventures in Inventing*

So I've been thinking. I think I should be an inventor (a la Crazy Old Maurice from Beauty & the Beast). In a boat it's much more difficult for a girl to relieve herself than it is for a boy (I'm talking strictly #1's here, folks). Anyways, I see a Downy bottle cut in half as a 'tool' to assist in this dreadful problem (it fits, it's waterproof, it's washable -- all the makings of a female-emergency-pee-assister). The future of female peeing on the boat is looking bright, my friends!

Here's another great idea:

Caffeinated eye drops! Yes, that's right. You know when you get tired and it's droopy-and-shutting-eyes-even-though-you-really-want-to-stay-awake? Well eye drops with caffeine would certainly solve that problem. A great idea, no?

*no one steal my ideas, okay? And if you do, at least split the cash with me

Spiders.

This morning I saw a spider. Let me tell ya, it wasn't just a spider. It was a big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you kind of spiders. The mean ones.

Anyways, now I'm in my office at my desk and I'm scared that one's going to climb up my leg or something. I keep thinking I feel a spider on my foot.

I shouldn't have worn flip-flops.

One Can Only Hope.

me: Jake, are you sad that you don't have a dad to celebrate Fathers Day with?

Jacob: No. [giving me a look as if I've asked a completely outrageous question]

me: We're doing fine, me and you, yeah?

Jacob: Yeah.

me: Someone will one day come along who's good enough to be your dad. Someone who's special and who loves you and me and someone who's really cool.

Jacob: Cool like that guy who sings 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'?

me: Erm, yeah, honey. Someone cool like that.

Advice.

From Charlie: "All parents are assholes."

From Kevin: "Don't allow negative people to take the energy they're trying to steal from you. If you let them, you'll become like them."

Hm. I think I'm going to be ok.

Sperm Donor Awareness Day. Letters.

To Willie (the male some people, but not me, would call my father):

Thanks for letting your wife key my car.
___________________________________________________________________

To my step dad:

Thank you for being so wonderful to Jacob. He is so blessed to have you in his life. You are wonderful.
___________________________________________________________________

To sperm donor (the male some people, but not me, would call Jacob's, well, sperm donor):

Thank you for your DNA; I have an amazing son. Thank you for creating a guide for me of what not to look for in men; I find it very useful. Thank you for turning my life upside down; I got to learn how to turn it right side up.

expletive

I. Fucking. Hate. Fathers. Day.

Pet Peeves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing that annoys me is when people use too many exclaimation points (see above). COME ON, you are not that excited (and if you are that excited, you're annoying to me anyways).

Another thing is people in their convertibles on a yucky day. OK, you look super-duper-cool. But your hair doesn't move and that's annoying to me anyways.

I did it!

Well, I ate the sandwich with the past due mayonnaise ... And I'm still here. And so I'll wait. And while I wait, I'll leave you with this excerpt from Lemony Snicket's The Miserable Mill:

"'Optimist' is a word which here refers to a person who thinks hopeful and pleasant thoughts about nearly everything. For instance, if an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, 'Well, this isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed,' but most of us would say something more along the lines of 'Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!'"

*sigh* I just love these books!

Things I Am Wondering About:

- I've had my nose stud for over a year and today when I put my hoodie on it got pulled out and it hurt like a motherfucker. I wonder why that happened. It hurts still now, maybe i'm getting gangrene.

- Is everyone (i.e. the 3 people that read my post) going to think I'm dumb because I don't know how to spell 'gangrene'?

- Is it unrealistic to want things to go back to the way they were?

- I wonder if Jacob is thinking "why does everyone else I know have a dad? Why am I instead making Father's Day gifts for my grandpa?" I mean, we've had every-family-is-different-and-some-people-don't-have-dads-and-you-are-special-and-your-'dad'-wasn't-special-enough-for-you conversations (to which he, in a tear-jerking wonderful moment, replied "you're special enough for me, mommy"). But does he think he's getting ripped off? And is he, in fact, getting ripped off?

- Why does it have to be raining today? It's almost the WEEKEND.

- Is it ok to eat mayo that's past its due date? It smelled alright. But mayo in itself is sketchy at best.

- Is Thomas the bird going to make it in the real world? He keeps flying back to our window to eat dog food. It's quite endearing, really. *sigh* oh Thomas.

- The coffee problem (see post "Mathematics of a Cup of Coffee") is once again swirling around in my head

- Why does the word 'motherfucker' make me laugh ceaselessly?

- I call my sister 'Snark Trotter.' I can't for the life of me remember how I came up with that name. There's a Lewis Carroll poem called 'The Hunting of the Snark,' but I came across the poem only a little while ago, years after I started it.

Well, well, well

Boss' wife: He [Boss] has a lot of claims to fame.

Me: Oh yeah?

BW: He's pretty much single handedly responsible for bringing porn into Canada.

Me: ...

Reasons Why I Heart Yesterday:

- I finally got rid of my migraine through the use of 8 cups of caffeinated coffee and various other legal drugs

- Today is yesterday's tomorrow, which means it's payday today! I'm rich! (well, maybe not, but I'm less-poor, kind of)

- Carly brought me a FANTASTIC Lemony Snicket book shelf thinger that I can't wait to put all my dvd's in!

- ESL slaved away like a crazy woman and our house looks amazing

- I watched Jacob take his bike off some 'sweet jumps'

- I got to see a really hilarious play that Firefighter Jen is in (I'm even tempted to see it again tonight) and it made me laugh my head off and I got to see her fam at the same time

- I got my Scrubs Season One DVD in the mail (from ebay)

- Thomas (our bird we saved when he was a baby) flew away into freedom *sigh* -- he still comes back to eat, though

- I liked the way my eye makeup looked

- My boss said "Anika, do you mind looking something up for me on ebay?" (enough said!)

- I am probably getting a new bed!! WHEEEEEEEEEE

An Open Letter to Brad Pitt.

Dear Brad Pitt,

I totally bought into the whole I-left-Jennifer-because-I-wanted-kids-and-she-didn't-but-I-never-ever-cheated act. You are a stupid dumb. I'm glad Jennifer told the world (via Vanity Fair) that the real reason for the disintegration of your marriage was that you cheated on her.

Sincerely,
Anika

When I Grow Up ...

These are the things I want to be when I grow up:

1. A mom. A REAL mom, a fresh-cookies-after-school-for-Jacob and dinner-ready-for-husband and grocery-shopping-and-laundry-and-ironing-and-vacuuming mom. This is what I REALLY want to be. (I know it sounds all anti-womens-lib and old fashioned and such, but it's true, Le Fou)

2. I wanted to have my own wilderness camp for kids who are troubled. There used to be a low budget show on tv about this kind of thing and I've always dreamt of having my own.

3. A counsellor for teenagers. Ever since I was young I've wanted to be a counsellor. It's said that psychology students go into psychology because they actually want to learn about themselves, and I think it's true. But I do remember being in grade three or four and making up an appointment book to 'get ready' for my counselling clients.

4. I wanted to work as an art therapist. I knew a guy who did art therapy and I think it's so amazing.

5. If I can't be any of these things, I want to be Paris Hilton so that I can retire when I'm 25.

What do these things have in common?

- trees that told me what's going on in other peoples' lives
- bad relationship advice from someone I'd never in the whole history of the earth want advice from in a normal situation
- tonnes and tonnes of snow covering everything outside as well as inside houses & buildings
- redecorating a house that looked like it was from the story of Goldilocks
- being late for work (you know, the whole running-but-you're-not-moving thing)
- cute necklaces
- Willy Wonka's chocolate factory
- spilled red wine on white carpet
- a few of my ex-boyfriends
- Jacob as my co-worker, Jen assuring me my bosses wouldn't notice if I'm late for work, Carly sledding with me, my bosses cutting huge pieces of wood
- sledding on a rollercoaster in the snow

These things were all in my dream last night. Who needs reality-altering drugs?

The absolute truth:

The truth is that I like you and I don't like you.
The truth is that if I could change the way things happened with us in the past, I would -- I wish there was a different outcome.
The truth is that even though you've looked up to me all my life, I wish I could be more like you.
The truth is that it feels nice to be understood by you.
The truth is that even though you made me feel like shit, sometimes I wish we could still be friends.
The truth is that under different circumstances I would want to be with you.
The truth is that you hurt me so badly, but I'd take you back in a heartbeat.
The truth is that I don't think you're as bad as people think you are.
The truth is that I should have chosen you over him and every day I regret it.
The truth is that you saved my life that night.
The truth is that I really honestly do hate you.
The truth is that I think you're controlling.
The truth is that I think you're the funniest person I've ever met.
The truth is that every tear I cried for you has been more than worth it.
The truth is that I think someone else would do a much better job than me.

**disclaimer: 'you' refers to different people. There's actually no one person I have such a dramatic history with, despite my drama queen tendencies.

I think I already know the answer.

Am I a big fat jerk?

Another One Bites the Dust

So ... at the demise of my latest 'relationship' I am beginning to wonder why I am not particularly crushed or emotional about it. Quite possibly, my emotions are just under the surface and will escape from me like some alien, unexpectedly, and kill everyone and run amuck and cause havoc all over the place. But maybe I've subconsciously decided to not let myself get emotionally attached.

At any rate (what does that even mean?) I feel more annoyed at wasting my time than anything else. I have no sadness for a friendship or romance lost. And I'm really having no problem adjusting to not having a boyfriend.

So I'm not going to worry myself into smithereens about getting my son a dad. In his words "I don't even want a dad. They're too bossy."

Back to the drawing board. For now, my life is funner as a single girl than as one half of a couple.

Giddyup.

I Caught the Bouquet ...

So who wants to marry me? (what, no takers? that's a shocker!)

My step-brother got married over the weekend in a town on Vancouver Island. It was a really pretty ceremony and a fun reception. Save for a few personality glitches the day before the event, it was really great to see him so happy. We stayed in a country-bumpkins-that-retired-and-now-do-tacky-crafts-all-day-long bed & breakfast that was at a beautiful location on the water.

We went shopping, defying my step-dad's proclamations that "Every trip is NOT a shopping trip!" and found some pretty glass beads to add to my hemp necklaces. My necklaces resembled crippled earthworms at the beginning, but my last couple really persevered.

My mom and I got a little tipsy at the wedding reception. I like to think I was fueled by my step-brother's comment that he had expected the guests to drink a lot more and his nonchalant shrug when I said that I didn't want to be the token drunk. However, I think I was a bit gone by that point already. I think my mom's wine extravaganza was partly due to the fact she had to meet my step-dad's ex-wife. But I digress. That night my mom said some things that are definitely worth noting:

"Hey how come we have the only green table?" (5 minutes prior to this question we had removed the white tablecloth because I spilled my caesar)

"The party is winding down? Well WE'RE winding UP!!!! right guys???" as she kept dancing and dancing

"Wait, do I like this song? ... I don't know it ... BUT I LIKE IT!!!" much to our chagrin, she just didn't stop dancing

It was good times, I tell ya, folks. You should really come on a family vacation with us (if you dare) ...

Dear Emotions:

Please stop all this nonsense. I would prefer to revert to elementary school emotions: mad, sad or glad. I've had enough of the excess -- anxious, sad, happy, funny, nervous, excited, guilty, angry, motivated, exhausted and overwhelmed to name a few I've experienced over the last hour or so. To quote myself from my journal: "I feel like I am perpetually throwing up and the substance of my vomit is emotion."


I'm joining Emotions Anonymous.