Well? It's Friday (YAY!!)

Andrew: I think I'm going to stop blogging.
MyKid: I think I'm going to stop kissing girls.
Me: ... ?

****

I'm reading Lemony Snicket's Carnivorous Carnival. Here's how it starts:

When my workday is over, and I have closed my notebook, hidden my pen, and sawed holes in my rented canoe so that it cannot be found, I often like to spend the evening in conversation with my few surviving friends. Sometimes we discuss literature. Sometimes we discuss the people who are trying to destroy us, and if there is any hope of escaping from them. And sometimes we discuss frightening and troublesome animals that might be nearby, and this topic always leads to much disagreement over which part of a frightening and troublesome beast is the most frightening and troublesome. Some say the teeth of the beast, because teeth are used for eating children, and often their parents, and gnawing their bones. Some say the claws of the beast, because claws are used for ripping things to shreds. And some say the hair of the beast, because hair can make allergic people sneeze.

But I always insist that the most frightening part of any beast is its belly, for the simple reason that if you are seeing the belly of the beast it means you have already seen the teeth of the beast and the claws of the beast and even the hair of the beast, and now you are trapped and there is probably no hope for you. For this reason, the phrase 'in the belly of the beast' has become an expression which means 'inside some terrible place with little chance of escaping safely,' and it is not an expression one should look forward to using.

I'm sorry to tell you that this book will use the expression 'the belly of the beast' three times before it is over, not counting all of the times I have already used 'the belly of the beast' in order to warn you of all the times 'the belly of the beast' will appear. Three times over the course of this story, characters will be inside some terrible place with little chance of escaping safely, and for that reason I would put this book down and escape safely yourself, because this woeful story is so very dark and wretched and damp that the experience of reading it will make you feel as if you are in the belly of the beast, and that time doesn't count either.

It's so funny and great, hey? Yeah I know.

Time to Move Away ...

Jacob couldn't sleep for much of last night. He was scared that there was someone coming into our backyard in the middle of the night. I prayed for him and asked him why he was feeling like this.
Yesterday at school one of his friends was telling everyone about how she had to have a lock down at her house because some big huge bad guy was going house to house banging on the front door and trying to get in.
I assured Jacob that he is safe and told him that next time his friend is talking about something like that he doesn't have to listen.
"I tried not to listen, mom, but then the teacher told me to stop talking to Josh while someone was sharing."
me: "..."

I Hope This Doesn't Make You Throw Up In Your Mouth, But ...

I never figured myself for a sucka who believed in love. And especially not fairy tales.


But sometimes? Sometimes I want to feel like Belle and Aurora and Cinderella ...

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ~Albert Einstein

I'm just gonna go ahead and leave work at noon and try to get rid of my stupid annoying excruciating and completely untimely migraine.
I'm going to have two more Tylenol 3's.
And two more extra strength Robaxacets.
And hopefully this time I don't have a dream about renewing my drivers licence at a zoo whilst riding a giraffe and screaming at the guy from Saturday Night Live that I wanna get off.

Tell Me How You Really Feel ...

Right at this moment I feel blah and I feel numb and I feel happy and I feel worried and I feel in love and I feel like I'm a stupid stupid girl and I feel envious and I feel excited and I feel ashamed and I feel lucky and I feel like I never have the right things to say and I feel annoyed and I feel dread and I feel like I need a change and I feel thankful and I feel like I don't like Mondays and I feel busy and I feel relieved and I feel wary and I feel 17 and awkward and I feel weary and I feel sleepy and I feel bad and I feel genuine and I feel free and I feel loved.

In one of my university classes my prof told me I'm fantastic at articulating how I feel. Maybe she's right. That makes me feel ... glad.


***

p.s. Has anyone else noticed how strange Tori Spelling's cleavage is?

A Situation in a Can ...

It's been a long time since I've seen a spider, hey guys? I hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying that. But seriously. Pretty fantastic ...

I feel like Britney Spears voodoo'd me. My face is breaking out like crazy ...

I'm glad chewing doesn't sound as loud in real life as it does in my head. But still, friends, loud chewing is a horrific and torturous deed ...

When I run up the stairs in the dark I feel like something's chasing me. I've felt that way since I was little. My sis thinks the same thing so there ...

I didn't win anything with Roll up the Rim to Win. Britney Spears definitely voodoo'd me ...

*sigh* ...

Beep ...

I feel overwhelmed today.

If my head exploded, I wonder what words would come tumbling out of it ...

Work Shmerk Smirk

Well ... Today I honestly feel like I'm never going to have a real live career in the field I want. There's nothing. NOTHING! And I'm just a lowly Bachelor of Arts with Psychology as my major (who, by the way, has procrastinated and hasn't even applied for graduating this spring when I become elligible!).

Sucks to school and sucks to jobs and sucks to the littl'uns!

Gak!

Things my mom might be annoyed about when she returns this Saturday from a 2 week vacation from Hawaii*:

- my sis and I sort of wrecked the washing machine. The day she left.

- there is no yummy food. There is, however, a lot of leftovers from failed attempts at yummy food

- Jacob attempted to 'decorate the house' as a welcome home of sorts (translation: there are 'crafts.' Everywhere.)

- We did not recycle.

- Jacob somehow managed to download a bunch of kid games onto their computer. He claims he's allowed to do that. I can only hope he didn't accidentally download any viruses.


*again: please do not tell 'thugs' or any shady characters that my sister and I are at my mom's house sans 'adults' ... my grandmother warned us about home invasions by cuh-razy partiers and I am taking heed

What I Learned This Weekend ...

- if I really need to, I can read (and take notes on) a very boring book in one weekend

- peeing off the back of the boat is significantly more difficult for a female than for a male

- coffee is a laxative (thanks Carly!)

- even though I thought maybe I didn't need a fairytale, maybe I do

- without a doubt, Nikol is right

- when Jacob has way to little sleep he is a delight regresses a few years (note: as of Sunday afternoon I am not invited to his birthday, he never wants to go boating again, and he doesn't even want to live with me anymore)

Green.*

So my sister and I are five years apart. This means it was pretty difficult growing up to be friends -- we were always in different places I guess. Now that we're 'grown up' I have wanted so badly for us to be close but it's something that I think will always be out of my reach**. Sucks.

The thing of the matter is, she is unsure if S is right for me. She likes S . But she just doesn't know if he's 'the one' or whatever for me.

I love my sister to death.
I'm pretty sure it's not a matter of choosing between S and Sis.
But it makes me uncomfortable.
And when I feel dissonance, it's impossible for me to ignore.


*this is my acknowledgment that it's St. Patrick's Day.
**this is not due to the sitch I am about to tell you about.

*****

This post by Nikol? Amazing.

LOUD NOISES!!

So I've had some quite a bit of coffee this morning. Not a-lot-a-lot. But more than usual. And now my hands feel like they're going to shake right off my arms and I feel like I have perpetual morning strength* and I feel like I might have Tourette's and I need to yell or be spastic. Geez Louise ... MOTHERFUCKER**


*morning strength: you know when you first get up in the morning and you have like no strength? Well, yeah. My sis and I dubbed it 'morning strength.' We are so clever.
**see?

One Way or Another ...

I love that I'm housesitting for my mom while she's in Hawaii so I get to spend lots of time with my sis ...

I love that my grandma lectured me before we left not to tell anyone that we're alone in the house because it ALWAYS happens that thugs then barge into the house and have a party ...

I love the idea of having an adventure by moving a few hours away from here ...

I love that I am looking for a new job as we speak ...

I love that Jacob loves hockey so much that he gets upset when the Canucks don't win (and for those of you not familiar with our team -- it's been quite often as of late) ...

I love that it's Wednesday and that means practically Thursday (= payday) and that means practically Friday (= weekend!) ...

Nothin' but love on Anika's blog ...

How I Feel About My Job Lately:

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

What We Did This Weekend ...

On Friday Jacob had a substitute teacher at school [sidenote: his teacher is kind of an old woman and has blonde short hair]. He said to me "from behind I thought Mrs. Xxxx had dyed her hair black, but then the teacher turned around and it was a Korean man."

Time Out -- Krista, Janie and I went out to dance the night away Friday night ... So. Fun.

***

Saturday I bought some new shoes*


And Jacob was the only boy at a girl's birthday party. He was supposed to be one of two boys there (the other boy likes the birthday girl and vice versa, so Jacob was being the wingman). However. The other boy was sick and Jake ended up being the only boy. When the girl was opening her present from Jacob, he said "she's not going to hug me, is she?" and ended up spending most of the party being chased. C'est la vie when you're in grade 2.

***

Oh and today? I called in sick to work.


*I have the nicest sister on the face of the earth because she got shoes that are the same but a different color and she's not mad I got mine . At least I don't think she is. Carly? CARLY?!

Regarding: Moi.

This morning I accidentally shredded a paper that had some really important information my boss had written on it. Now I feel like crying laughing because I'm inappropriate like that.
Or maybe I'm just happy to finally be in trouble for something that's actually my fault.

*****

I done stole this from Nilo and he's not ever getting it back!

1. I have never been searched by cops. That includes cavity searches.

2. I keep my eyes open on roller coasters. The scariest ride is that enormous swing thing. *shudder* I just can't take it.

3. I haven't been on a sleigh ride for a few years. My uncle has Clydesdale horses and does sleigh rides every year and it's so stinking fun.

4. I would rather sleep with someone else in my bed than by myself.

5. I think I believe in ghosts. I believe in spirits for sure.

6. Do you consider yourself creative? Creatively disturbed.

7. I think OJ killed his wife.

8. I'm on team Aniston fo sho (although I DO think Angelina Jolie is very hot). But I'm just not a fan of cheaters.

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics? *cough* they don't call me Political Ani for nothin'! (oh waitaminute, yes they do)

10. I don't know how to play poker but do you know that I've wanted to learn for SO LONG?! I even bought poker chips JUST IN CASE!

11. I've never stayed awake for 48 hours straight. I'm much too sleepy for that kind of funny business.

12. I'd rather get Jacob to kill bugs that are in our house than me having to kill them myself. Somehow, though, they must be annihilated. I cannot live in the same house as a bug. Especially a spider.

13. I've cheated on a test before, I think (I truly can't remember!). I've definitely cheated in board games. To the extent that no one will play anymore.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around, do you go through red lights? Once in awhile, but only if it's red for a superly long time. Then it's pretty much breaking the law out of necessity, no?

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Yes.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Is that football or baseball? Cause all I know is hockey.

17. Have you ever ice skated? Um, yah, I live in Canada. I can't stop, mind you, unless I run into things. You should see my triple sow cow.

18. Most of the time I remember my dreams. The night before last, induced by Sex & The City, I dreamed I brought my co-workers to my Oma & Opa's house to party. But my Oma & Opa were at my father's house. They were confused and annoyed. It was all rather ridic.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying? I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I was crying ...

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Hey Jude, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Yellow Submarine, Help & I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight? Abso-fucken-lutely! But I haven't experience it. Yet.

22. I don't know who BaBa Booey is.

23. I always wear my seat belt.

24. I wish I was better at wake boarding [translation: I wish I could do it period]. But ask me again after the summer and maybe I'll have it mastered.

25. I eat only the safe sushis. You know what I mean by safe, I know you do. Although. I've eaten sushi from 7-Eleven once so maybe that means I don't stick to safe sushis.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? Maybe.

27. I wear pyjamas to bed.

28. Have you ever been caught stealing? No.

29. Does size matter? I'm going to go right ahead and assume you're talking about the size of the man. Not the penis. Yes.

30. Do you truly hate anyone? Only one person.

31. Rock and Roll or Rap? Rock and Roll fo sho

32. I don't think I have any relatives in prison but I think I have a second cousin who used to steal cars and be in jail for that. Meh, I dunno.

33. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror like your favorite singer? Yes of course. And in the car too. Everywhere.

34. Do you know how to play chess? Oh my gosh an ex-boyfriend tried to get me to play chess. THE boringest thing I've ever done in the whole history of the earth.

35. What food do you find disgusting? We had Korean roommates and they had a tupperware thing in our fridge and it was little fish and they even had the eyes in them still! It was absolutely disgusting and horrifying.

36. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?" I still do (it beats chess)

37. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? No ... I think if you're going to make fun of your friends it shouldn't be behind their back. "A true friend stabs you in the front." ~Oscar Wilde

38. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Yeah.

39. I have never been punched in the face because I always threaten people with my double punch kick.

40. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much? Not for more than a year.

41. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater? I don't think so.

42. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it got? Oh my gosh, I told you all I had to watch Walk the Line, right? And S wouldn't let me watch the end first and he made me watch the whole thing so I had to sit (and cry) through it all just to see the end? *sigh* ... Oh wait! That airport one with Tom Hanks I stopped watching (he's creepy because he's Forrest Gump)

43. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone? Um, not really.

44. Have you ever met someone famous? Yes. And I am famous.

45. Have you ever been stood up? Yessiree

46. The last time I screamed at the top of my lungs was at the U2 Concert.

47. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did anyway just to fit in? Hello! Of course I have.

See?

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
~Jack Handy

Wheelin' Dealin' ...

So I decided to give Jacob an allowance of $2 per week and he has to do 'chores'*. This morning he told me he's saved up $27 for new Heelies**.
'Great job, Jacob!' I said, 'You only need $3 more and you'll be set!'
'Yeah,' he responded, 'after I get $2 from you this week you only have to give me $1 the next week.'
'Well you'll still get $2 for doing your chores and you can just use the extra dollar for something else' I told him.
Jake responded, 'Well you can just give me one dollar because after I get enough for new Heelies I'm gonna quit.'



*such as brushing his teeth, keeping his room clean, going to bed without getting up four billion times ...

**Jacob got Heelies for Christmas and one wheel broke, but he hadn't taken good care of them, so my parents told him that he needs to save up $30 towards new ones and they'll pay the rest.

Completely Unrelated ...

The Truck Got Stuck song is in my head (click on preview that song to hear it) ... Doesn't it just make you want to wear a cowboy hat and go camping?


***

"now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates."
~Mark Twain

Oh So Nice ...

Thank you S for not thinking I'm crazy for crying all the way through Walk the Line*
Thank you Bobo, for saying 'chin up, kiddo'
Thank you God, for giving us snow today so that I don't think about summer and bikinis. Now I don't feel quite so guilty for not going to the gym this week
Thank you Dog the Bounty Hunter, for being so redneck
Thank you Nilo, for never planning to grow up

And God? Thank you for letting me see that possum last night so that I didn't run it over. That was the only time I've ever seen a live possum!

*which was, by the way, the WORST movie ever! I was sobbing and sobbing at the sadness of Johnny Cash's life

Kick In The Face ...

Yesterday as I was driving home to make dinner for S and Jacob I thought to myself "aside from my job, I really like my life right now" and I meant it.

Apparently that thought is an open invitation for me to receive a letter in the mail from some powers that be telling me that I am screwed.

Dear Life,
Whoot.
From Anika







Is this a sign?

How To Tell If A Boy Likes You:

Yesterday Jacob went to his friend's birthday party. This friend invited his girlfriend -- she was the only girl there.
This was Jacob's account of the sitch:

"Sheldon's girlfriend was at the party. When we played laser tag they didn't even shoot each other! And when we were sitting at the table, whenever she talked to him, his face went bright red!"

I'm Stealing the Bricks from Your House One by One ...

I'm really really annoyed that Willie (the guy who's my father, but not my dad) plays the victim so much. We haven't talked in just about two years*.
He's been telling my grandparents that he misses me oh so much and loves me and wishes that he could have a father-daughter relationship with me.
Number of times he's called me in two years: 1
Numbers of cards and/or presents he has sent to me on birthdays or Christmases during these two years: 0
He has led my grandparents to believe that he's been sending Jacob Christmas presents and birthday presents, but that I haven't so much as called or sent anything to his daughter.
Number of cards and/or presents Jacob has received for birthdays or Christmases: 0

Dear Willie,
You are the reason I have no use for dads. You are too proud and arrogant to admit you treat my sister and myself like we aren't at all important to you and as a result, you're missing out. You deserve the woman you're married to.
But today? I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it or dwelling on it. I'm going to do everything I can to make my son feel the opposite of the way you made (and continue to make) me feel.
I nothing you.
Regards, Anika

*since he refused to let Jacob have his toys that were at Willie's house, and since his wife keyed my car

I Know the Sun's Still Shining When I Close My Eyes ...

Today on my way to work I decide that God likes me ...

I was listening to Cafe del Mar (which, in itself, is heavenly fo sho) ...
My migraine was fading (perhaps due to the Cafe) ...
It's Friday (sldgichgw,etnosi; sgfh;skjeht we;ahroiughxo <-- excitement) ... I am slowly but surely paying off my Visa ... My best gay friend wants to go wedding/formal dress shopping with me ... It's so sunny and gorgeous out ... My hair looks un-lopsided today (thanks Janie!) ...
Jacob is still playing soccer with the girls from his class during recess and lunch and it's so funny listening to him talk about it ...
I decided to stop my crying about the gym yesterday and go back (my body is screwy -- I discovered I've lost 3 pounds in 2 days. I'm giving up weighing myself for Lent) ...

Yay God
Yay Friday
Yay me

p.s. Also? Play this. I'm *dun-dun-dun-duuuuuuuun!* in 111325th place!

I Done Told Ya ...

Remember being little and eating candy and Mom/Oma/Grandma would always say "if you eat too much candy you'll make yourself sick" ...?

Well, I've successfully fulfilled this prophecy for the second time in my life* by eating salty Dutch licorice candies like these and these today.

Delicious to be sure.

But now? *dry heave*


*the first time was with my childhood friend Mark. His mom let him get a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and we ate the entire box in one afternoon. Man did I feel disgusting.

I Promise I Won't Burn Your House Down ...

I may never have to start another fire or tie another knot again ... Jacob is re-joining Scouts.

Two years ago, when Jake was a Beaver I went on a weekend camping trip with his group. Jacob and I chose one of the cabins to sleep in and a creepy* dad whose son was friends with Jacob decided to stay in the same cabin with us. AWKWARD! He didn't end up staying there because I was verrrrry uncomfortable with that, but ... *dry heave*

I vote for Grandpa to go on said camping trips from now on.

*it wasn't just my imagination. I babysat his kids on occasion when him and his wife went out, and he always came home drunk and made sex jokes to me

****
In other news, on my way to work this morning there was a hitch-hiker on the road that looked very similar to Sadam Hussein ... I didn't pick him up.

I'm Ready for This Week to be Over ...

Mornings for me always seem rushed -- I'm always running just a few minutes behind and Jacob always seems to be doddling.

This morning was no different ... I was waking Jake up and supervising his choice in outfits and getting money for his hot lunch order and doing my hair and getting lunches ready and trying to look cuter than I feel ...

Jacob asked me what I was going to have for breakfast.
"Cereal, I think" and he got it out of the cupboard. He climbed up on the counter and got a bowl for me.
He asked me how much cereal I wanted.
"It's ok, I'll pour it" and I put some in the bowl while he got the milk out of the fridge.
I looked at the clock -- "Jacob, I'll pour the milk, please just put some toast in the toaster if that's what you're having! We're gonna be late!"

He put the milk down silently and started to make toast.
I felt like an asshole.
I went over and picked him up and sat down on the couch with him in my lap.
He had tears in his eyes.
And so did I.
I apologized.

Sometimes I need to stop and remember the important things.
I have the most amazing little kid in the world and he adores me.
And I adore him.

We got to his school just after the first bell had rung.