Every Little Thing's Gonna Be Alright ...

Friends,
I cannot thank you enough.

Janie -- thank you for letting me cry and for listening to me in the middle of the night and for not allowing me to become a cynical black-hearted hein

Shari -- thank you for the offering of wine and inviting me to collapse on your floor

Jim -- thank you for making me laugh all the while opening my eyes to things I didn't see, and for looking past the un-flowiness

Firefighter Jen -- thank you for bashing and for always protecting me and for reassuring me and for letting me cry

Carly -- thank you for coming to check on me, but not bringing it up and for sending me encouraging text messages

Mom & Don -- thank you for understanding

Jacob -- thank you for being THE most amazing and wonderful kid ever and for being sensitive and for giving yourself a hickey on your forehead with the vacuum

Nilo -- thank you for this: "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out ... and then, after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

Melissa -- thank you for your empathy. It is amazing to have friends whose hearts will break when your heart breaks

Marianne -- thank you for getting a new phone plan

Andrew -- thank you for buying me a lottery ticket and for worrying your little pants off

Phil -- thank you for assuring me that until I get over this mess I can use your skin to bury my secrets and you will settle me down (~Fiona Apple)

Nikol -- thank you for giving me a new perspective and for being farther down the road than me

God -- what I sow in tears I'll reap in joy ... Right? Right God??

Everyone (even if I didn't mention you by name), thank you for listening and encouraging.
I'm not done healing, but I'm on my way ...

"Get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened. Wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed." ~Elizabethtown

The Aftershocks ...

A mile from here I made a hole
That's where I buried your love
Left it there under the earth
And I swear I'll never return
(~Au4)

***

I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed that I kept nurturing and watering the soil long after he had removed the seeds.

***

I told Jacob that he can still be friends with Shawn. Jacob said no because Shawn made me cry. And if I'm not friends with Shawn then he doesn't want to be either.

***

Janie, the eternal optimist, is convinced that Shawn still loves me, but there's a missing piece -- it doesn't make sense, all of it. Everything that I thought was right is left, and everything I thought left is right. Nothing is what I thought it was. I am disoriented. I don't know who he is anymore. I cannot believe that he loves me after he treated me and my son like this. You don't just make promises and then walk away. Especially not to a kid.

Firefighter Jen thinks that he just doesn't know how to have a relationship. He did, after all, only have one relationship in his past that lasted more than 2 months. She thinks he just doesn't want to grow up. She said he's a chicken shit. Well ... He is 33 and lives with his parents ... The people he's friends with are kind of stuck in the glory days of their teenage years -- all single, all need to party all the time. I guess I didn't fit in.

Phil thinks that Shawn pursued me for a year so that he could break my heart and get me back for hurting him. This is not what I know of Shawn. But like I said, I don't know who he even is anymore.

I don't know what I think. My foundations have crumbled. Things that I believed to be true, aren't. Things that I never thought could happen, have. I can't eat because I'll be sick. I can't sleep even if I take Gravol. I just hurt.

These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal ... This Pain Is Just Too Real ...

I warned him when we started dating that I don't believe in love.
He said he'll change my mind.
We dated for almost a year and I decided to cut the cord; we had disagreements about things that were fundamental to our relationship, such as spiritual beliefs and decisions on where we could and should live.
For 8 months after we broke up he didn't date anyone else. He pursued me, often announcing to anyone that would listen that he still loves me.
We began to talk about our past disagreements and found that we both were willing to compromise.
We decided that we would go forward from there. We were willing to make decisions to make our relationship work because it was worth it.
He said 'forever.'
I thought he meant it. And he decided that he is unwilling to try anymore.
He dumped me over the phone.
I don't know why he pursued me for so long just to quit.
I don't know if he just fell out of love with me.
I don't know when he decided that it was too much work.

But I do know that I have lost a best friend.
I do know that I have lost my future.
He has shattered me to my very core.
My spirit is broken.
My hope has been taken.

And Like That ... He Was Gone ...

... I am broken.

Buuuuuut ...

... I'm not ONLY full of complaining! I also like some things in the world:

Things I think are great:
- Even though my son woke me up verrry early this morning, I think it's cute for him to be so excited for Sports Day today. Go Team Blue!
- I think it's funny that Janie tries to sneak in after a date without even telling me all the deets! Psh!
- I am enjoying a very scrumptious bag of Skittles from Marianne
- Anal and/or creepy prospective landlords are funny to laugh at from a distance. Tanks God I'm not moving to any funny farms!
- Fridays are fabulous, even though mes amies americannes (yep French is the 2nd language here!) get a long weekend
- I watched an episode of Scrubs this morning
- I have an amazing new cd

Because Why Should Things Go Right?

There's always something, don't you think?
Aaaaaalways somethin'.
Always one more straw for the camel's back.
Always one more drop of water for the leak.
One more kick in the head.
One more glitch in the system.
One more hour of work.
One more excuse.
One more rip in the fabric.
One more dangling carrot.
Always one more.

All I Know ...

... Is that if my headache doesn't go away soon I am going to start thrashing about and yelling and swearing and I will bash my head into my computer screen and break the glass and take a piece of that glass and use it to shave the hair off my head and then use my scissors to surgically remove my brain so that it doesn't hurt anymore because that is how much pain I am in right now.

Welding and Melting ...

Because sowhatIfeeluncreativelikeMelissaandmaybelaterI'llhavesomethinggoodtosay.

SECTION 1 - BASICS ...
+ Known as: Anika
+ Born: October 10, 1980
+ Haircolor: blonde
+ Eyecolor: Greenish brown

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER ...
+ Fallen off the bed? No but once when our fam was on vacation I slept on a top bunk with my sister and she fell off
+ Broken someone else's heart? Yes
+ Had your heart broken? Yessiree
+ Had a dream come true? Yes. The dream where a dinosaur was chasing me but his head was too big to fit through the doorway to bit me so I narrowly escaped by jumping out the second storey window.

SECTION 3 - CURRENTLY ...
+ Wearing: jeans and a shirt that says "Love is giving you a natural high" and a fleece and a scarf thingy in my hair
+ Listening to: country music, natch
+ Located: office
+ Chatting with: 1 person
+ Watching: the screen
+ Should REALLY be: sitting on a hot beach with a cold drink

SECTION 4 - DO YOU ...
+ Do you brush your teeth? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe I think halitosis is the new black.
+ Have any piercings? 5 in my ears and one in my nose
+ Drive? Yes, in my mom car (Rafiki is clean as a whistle right now, by the way)
+ Drink? my current kick is apple juice, but I have been known to go as far as drinking whiskey (she's my little whiskey giiiiirl, she's my little whiskey giiiiiiiiirl ...)
+ Have a cell phone? yup I do. But I'm not going to give out my number because I watch Dr. Phil and therefore know that it is dangerous to give out personal information on the internet.

SECTION 5 - THE LAST PERSON YOU ...
+ Hugged: Jacob
+ Imed: Janie
+ Talked with on the phone: My sister Carly

SECTION 6 - PERSONAL ...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to work in a high school and I want to be a mom.
+ What comes first in your life? Jacob.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? whatever's my current stress
+ Who do you think you are loved by? who do I think I'm loved by? Everyone of course! But I know I'm loved by my fam.

SECTION 7 - FAVORITES
+ Movie: right now I like Pride & Prejudice (the BBC version)
+ Band: Au4
+ Store: American Eagle
+ Food: something with melted cheese
+ Candy: black licorice
+ Day of the week: Friday after 4:30pm I suppose
+ Color: green

SECTION 8 - DO YOU ...
+ Like to give hugs? Yes sometimes. But sometimes I just can't help but not like touch, somewhat reminiscent of someone with autism.
+ Like to walk in the rain? Not really. It sounds romantic and everything, but especially if I'm wearing glasses I hate it.
+ Prefer black or blue? black
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? side or stomach, but mostly stomach
+ Have stuffed animals? No they kind of creep me out

SECTION 9 - THIS OR THAT ... (you have to pick)
+ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
+ 7th Heaven or Dawsons Creek? Truthfully I have never watched an episode of either. So I'll go ahead and pick Sex & The City.
+ Chocolate or flowers? I think flowers (exception to carnations) are great.
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? color for most things
+ Stay up late or sleep in? both
+ Hot or cold? Hot
+ Sun or moon? Sun
+ Left or Right? Right
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? 2 or 3 bffs
+ Mustard or ketchup? mustard
+ Spring or Fall? Spring
+ Happy or sad: Happy
+ Wonder or amazement: Wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? McDonald's
+ Mexican or Italian food? Italian

SECTION 10: FIRSTS ...
First screen name: screen name?
First self purchased CD: I think it was I Mother Earth or something like that
First pet: a hamster named Wilbur
First piercing/tattoo: my ears ... I will not ever get a tattoo because I don't like them

SECTION 11: LASTS ...
Last car ride: This morning
Last good cry: Friday
Last phone call: My mom called me to ask to borrow my cowboy hat

SECTION 12: CURRENT ...
Current mood: tired
Current food: chocolate Easter eggs
Current hair: pinned up with a scarf around it
Current annoyance(s): co-workers, headache, finding a new place of residence

WHO LAST ...
1. Made you smile?: Jake
2. Saw you cry? it's a big fat mystery to me
3. Went to the movies with you? Jake

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY ...
1. Do you like anyone? yes I like a lot of people
2. Smoke? no
3. Stolen? I have stolen the heart of the boy (that even made me dry heave)
4. Do you believe in Love at first sight? Yes I believe some people fall in love at first sight
5. Do you fall for the wrong guy (or girl)? I absolutely have

Give Me All Your Lovin' ...

*ahem*
Things that are, surprisingly, not 'selling points' when you're trying to rent out your basement suite:

- ads that say "suits quiet employed mature single person" ... Now I KNOW you're anal
- suites with dog hair all over the place
- a closet door that opens into a "cute" bathroom
- applications period, but especially ones that ask for strange information like my car make and model and year
- claiming that utilities for that basement suite cost as much as ours costs for our entire 5 bedroom house
- concrete floors
- describing the bedroom as "easily fits a twin bed"

I am not enjoying looking for a new place.

And Then There Was A Long Weekend ...

My thought on trying to get a new job:
"I'm a big fan of money, I like it, I use it, I have a little, I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator, I'd like to put more in that jar, that's where you come in."
~Robbie (The Wedding Singer)

***

I took Jacob to see Over The Hedge. It was a busy night as DaVinci Code was in its opening weekend so we had to park far away. Jacob was gallavanting ahead of me and as he crossed the handicapped parking, shouted back to me "HEY MOM! TOO BAD I'M NOT HANDICAPPED OR WE COULD HAVE PARKED HERE AND THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WALK FAR!"
*sigh*

***

My car is spa-harkling clean. I would even fry an egg on the dash board and eat it. Rafiki is just the happiest little mom car there ever was right now.

***

When I got my eyes checked this weekend I asked the doctor if I have a lazy eye. He laughed at me and said no. But sometimes I just worry about these things, you know?

(I may or may not be a hypochondriac -- all I'll say is that I haven't had a solid night's sleep since someone told me they suffer from insomnia.)

Nothing To Sneeze At* ...

Right now, I just about got brutally murdered by a horrible beast. I can hardly even talk about it without wailing and weeping. I was even too afraid to sing the "Spider Spider On The Wall" song!

My office is in a basement and therefore is susceptible to horrible things like spiders and cobwebs and mice and ... waitaminute, maybe I actually work in a dungeon!

Anyways, I digress. You all remember The Incident, right? Well I'm here to tell ya, the spider sent his nephew to do away with me once and for all. But I'm not going to let that happen, friends! No I'm not!

So when I went to the toilet and casually glanced into the bowl whilst entertaining thoughts of urban-legends-of-snakes-or-alligators-or-spiders-or-Sasquatches-sneaking-up-through-the-sewage-pipes-to-bite-me-in-the-bum**, I saw him. Crouched in attack position in the toilet bowl was the nephew of the big-and-hairy-and-black-and-I-might-be-a-tarantula-and-bite-you-and-kill-you spider! I AM SERIOUS!

I kept calm and didn't scream. And by "didn't" I actually mean "did scream really loud and lept back in horror."
I flushed him. Please note that I had to be brave and heroic and reach over the toilet bowl to reach the flusher-thing. The spider swam for dear life, cursing and yelling at me, and the world waited with baited breath until the spider finally got pulled beneath the water and out of sight.

Now I have nowhere to go to the bathroom.
But I have prevailed against the spider kingdom again!
Once and for all I have won!

Now I have to sit with my feet up on my chair at my desk for fear of even more retaliation.




* I got this phrase from Shari, who I love and who makes me laugh all the stinkin' time
** good alliteration, no?

Yesterday ...

I got my hair cut. The hairdresser and all the others in the salon talked amongst each other in Vietnamese the whole time and I thought it was kind of rude, but whatev. When she was cutting the front of my hair, I had an overwhelming urge to blow out my nose really hard on her hand.
I didn't do it. But I'm just sayin'.

The Things You Fear Are Undefeatable Not By Their Nature, But By Your Approach

So I like Jewel and find it easy to relate to many of her works ... This is my favorite of her poems.

Insecurity

you don't call
I check again
I become uneasy--
is this a frame?
Suddenly I'm not so sure
I check my sources
each conversation becomes a crumb
how easily I'm led
how stupid I've been
to believe
you could be
loving me
you who can not be seduced
by anything other than
the temperance
of need
each one facilitating the next
and suddenly I see my place
the phone rings
you say hello
but I don't believe you

Can't Nobody Love You Like I Love You ...

On the weekend, S and I stopped so that we could get a couple of essentials: coffee and lottery tickets. He went to the store for the lottery tickets and I picked up the coffees.
I waited for S by his truck and, noticing he was nowhere in sight, decided to sneakily eat some of the whipped cream off his mocha and put the lid back on so he wouldn't notice. Muahaha.
As I was being all sneaky-deaky he walked out of the little shop right behind me (he'd been talking to a friend) and yelled "I SO BUSTED YOU!!! I can't believe that you would eat all the whipping cream off my drink!"

Iamashamed.

Things I Crave Right Now:

- a good night's sleep (sans waking up and staying awake for hours, sans nightmares including but not limited to: the boy scaring me with a huge spider, a gross bug laying eggs in my mouth, and giving birth to a still born baby)
- melted cheese (like maybe on nachos, or just melted cheddar cheese on bread even)
- good music
- money (sidenote: I thought my love language was money but it actually isn't)
- swimming in a lake / boating
- a space to call my own where I can just be
- a banana chocolate milkshake (non fat of course)

Bulletin:

*ahem*

Dear friends,

Would you like to come see David Gray with me? You should because he is amazing and because I said so and because it's sunny out today and because I may or may not be in a bad mood today and because I may or may not have all the details.
But Britton so eloquently wrote:
"David Gray, who is quite heroic, and damn talented is coming to Vancouver on August 14 at Deer Lake Park. It's an outside concert. It is Monday night. He brought you such hits as "Babylon", "Sail Away", and "Babylon II". And now he is coming to perform these hits in concert."
Yes, my friends, he wrote that without any help at all. AND I WANT TO GOOOOOO!

Love, Anika

Happy Tuesday.

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round

Is It Even Possible For Me:

- to like this day?
- to have a home?
- to decide to let it all slide off my back?
- to have a happy ending?

The Weekend Before The Long Weekend ...

I learned this weekend:
Nothing is ever as good as I hope it will be.
And nothing is ever as bad as I dread it will be.

Muthas ...

Moms that have had significant influence on my life ...

My mom: She is beautiful, she is fun, she is so kind. She encourages me when I need it. She is an amazing Grammie. I definitely wouldn't have made it in my life if it weren't for her unceasing love and prayers. She drinks wine. She's a great cook. She likes to believe the best in people (example: "She's not snotty, Anika. She's shy").

My Oma: She is my father's mom and I don't know how he managed to turn out to be a dud. My Oma is generous and funny and opinionated and a peace maker and she is very proud. She thinks there's no fat in her cooking. She dumped my Opa when they were dating because she "felt like it." She is short. She has had the same clothes for years. She never stops singing. She makes the best faces.

My father's wife: She is quite possibly the devil incarnate. She has keyed her stepkid's car. She has been verbally and physically abusive. She is fairly good at putting on a facade. She has stolen money from my son's piggy bank. She is condescending and curses people with her words. She is selfish and fat and incredibly ugly (inside & out). And my dad deserves her.


Hm. I really shouldn't end this post on a negative note. So here:

"Mothers are all slightly insane." ~J.D. Salinger

Territory ...

So I'm in a relationship . We have chemistry and a good friendship. I feel blessed.
We get along with each other's families and friends.
There is a certain friend of his (who I used to absolutely adore and be friends with), and who happens to be a female, is, um, beginning to step over the line a little bit.
***
Interlude: I'm not sure if she reads this blog. I know that she has before. And I just want to say thank you to Nikol and her friend Nan because I've decided that this blog is going to be for me. So too stinkin' bad.
***
Anyways. She is fine and nice and whatever when he is around, but when he's not, she acts like a little bit of a hein to me: making mean comments about him, belittling parts of our relationship, going out of her way to show me that she was there first and apparently knows him better.
Of course, what girl hasn't done this? Girls are good at being ugly to other girls, while the guys look on and think "she was being nice!" or "she was joking!"

Now, I'm not jealous of him having female friends. And I have enough of him that I don't need to take over the speck that is their friendship, you know?
I just don't have time to play these funny little territorial games. And I certainly don't have the desire.

That is all.

Censored Still ...

Yes.

I'm Squinting ...

I don't like it when I feel like I need to be censored on my blog and not say what I think and what's going on.
Then it makes me want to write letters like this:
"Dear reader,
If your name is someone-who-I-don't-want-to-read-this, please stop reading. Thanks.
Love, Anika"

And it makes me feel the need to write cryptically like this:
"Stuff is going great."
or
"A friend of a friend is making things difficult and I don't have the time nor energy to play silly games or worry about these things."
or
"Yes."

***

Anyways, I'll run away from whatever I want whenever I want.

Where I Need To Be ...

disclaimer: I'm doing ok, just lots of things in my life are up in the air right now and it's difficult to live like that because I want stability for my son, you know? Sometimes it's just completely overwhelming ...

Tomorrow's another day. And I'm thirsty anyway. Bring on the rain.
In the words of someone, or maybe just me: Shit's tough.

***

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and overfunctioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For my self love being so embarassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

AndI’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself ...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would’ve naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

AndI’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

The Biggest Apology [Alanis]

I Need A Distraction ... Oh Beautiful Release ...

One good thing about not being in school is that I don't feel guilty about reading non-textbook books.
However.
I've tried Something Borrowed (kind of good, slow in places, screwed up ending I think)
I've tried She's Come Undone (extremely sad and depressing, I skipped to the end and it doesn't even have a happy or good ending)
I've just started DaVinci Code (meh)
I've started Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (meh)

Any suggestions? I'm in desperate need of a good book.

5 - 5 - 6

A year ago I wrote about why that day was going to be a good day (coincidentally I had a cold then too). But today it just seems like a not-so-exciting day, even though there have been no recent catastrophes in my life.
Sometimes you just need to take lots of cold medicine and eat (drink?) soup and have a heavy heart and that's alright. Because even though you know that things are going to be ok because your mom and your best friend have told you so, you just need a quiet moment.

I think I will listen to Sigur Ros.

You Might Think I'm A Frog ...

... But I've just got a cold.
I don't know what to say today. I've had insomnia the last few nights -- I've woken up in the middle of the night and been awake for 2 hours. It bloody sucks, man. I hate it ...

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge? There's track marks in the butter ... I don't get it.

Put That Lampshade On Your Head ...

It's a beautiful day today and that makes me feel so happy, like things are good and right in the world. Things that I am very thankful for at this very moment:

- I'm going to get to go boating and camping in a short while
- my IIF's offered to get me Ice Cream flavored Skittles
- Phil sends me funny and awesome text messages (example: "on a sunny day like today I am reminded that I love you, but also that I will fight you and I'm not even afraid")
- I think I found a place to move into and it's exciting
- I don't homeschool Jacob, thereby giving him a chance at social skills (note: if you were homeschooled or are homeschooling your children, I'm joking)
- I do have three amazing and wonderful roommates
- I had Fruit Loops for breakfast
- my cold feels less horrible right now than it did when I woke up
- I am drinking a London Fog
- Janie somehow convinced me to go to the gym last night, but now I'm glad I did
- I finally satisfied my sushi craving last night
- things are usually not as bad as they seem from a distance

Today:

Jacob woke up at 6am by himself to clean his entire room. What an amazing and wonderful little boy I have.

I am going to check out a possible new place of residence for myself and my son. Oh my gosh what if I can't afford everything?! What if I sink? There is no one to grab me out of the water!

It is sunny. Oh how I love the sun.

I am going to the gym. Dear Lardness, I hate you. I must look decent in a bikini or I will die. Love, Anika

I am going to see the boy. He likes me.

You Make Me Happy Like a Bowl Full of Friendly Puppies

I had my grad ceremony this weekend ... Thank you Mom, Don, Carly, Than, Oma, Opa, S, Janie and Jake for coming ...
Jacob kept making funny faces to me from his seat
My parents kept telling me they're proud of me
I kept worrying that I would burst into tears, throw up, burst out laughing or trip on my walk across the stage, but it ended up being uneventful. The registrar even pronounced my name right.


***

Dear Janie,
Thank you for helping me in my swollen-tonsil-crisis in the middle of the night.
Love, Anika